It is always easy to blame others … for everything that goes wrong or becomes askew in our lives. I think it is our first reaction. Blaming others affords us freedom from looking within. It can also provide time for us to process the emotion caused by what has happened. And the events … our outrage forces us to talk about what has happened, to get it out of our system. It can be healthy.
I think though, sometimes we can get stuck in blaming others, in that outrage. And this is not healthy for us.
This morning, I had a moment. I am really good with people when I am listening to them, being their friend, supporting them, hanging out with them. As much as in recent days there are some people who have questioned my integrity with regards to genuine care, I do genuinely care about the welfare of others. If I lend an ear, offer advice, send supportive messages, it all comes from an authentic and genuine desire to support.
I am really good at supporting myself, and here comes the caveat, the moment, because I perceive that I have always had to be the one to support myself. So, I continue to support myself.
What I am not good at, is talking about myself unless I feel completely safe. Remembering this is a new epiphany, so I am still processing the depth of its impact in my life, I am likely to still ‘blame’ others before I reach acceptance.
I struggle with the belief that any individual could genuinely want to listen to me, just me, without sharing their own pains. Not their fault. My perception is that I am not enough. Not enough unless I am providing some type of service for the other. Intellectually I know that this thought system is ridiculous and not true. However, the emotional imprinting of experience forces me to run to this belief first. And then I become stuck … more often than not. Now that I am aware, I will push through this in future.
I think too, that similarly to intimate relationships, I don’t always place my energies in friendship into the friendships that could offer me what I truly desire and need from friendship. And I only ever feel betrayed by friendship when I am at a low point. In the good times I have great friends. No complaints. Which I think verifies the validity of my assertion that I do not choose friends holistically.
I also then blame those friends who I perceive aren’t there for me. They should be there, I say, because I am always there for them, and then I say that they are selfish, but really, the friendship hasn’t been constructed to offer mutual support, it wasn’t built for that. And that, well, that, I think is my doing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going kamikaze on myself. There is no resentment here this morning, and no undeserved blame or responsibility being shouldered. In fact, I feel more at peace than I have in years this morning with the role of friendship in my life.
I do possess friends who do support me. I know this. I trust it. I believe in it. I also receive support from people who are in my life, like here on my blog. I think that people offer what they can when they can. Some people understand a situation better than others can, and some people know how to be a friend to me better than others do, and some people I have worked with for years and we train each other to be what we need.
What needs to come from me is less resentment (no resentment) and an acceptance that the people who are there are the ones that have something to offer at that time. That doesn’t mean I have to cull friends, it just means that I need to not expect from others what they can’t or are unwilling to give at times. And that is okay. But, I also need to learn to nurture the friendships that do offer me the more holistic relationship that I crave. And not rebel against them.
What a purge. Lol. Yesterday’s ongoing, constant, nagging introspection appears to have yielded some results.
I am also feeling better prepared for the long fight against bureaucracy that is coming. I am almost ready to start my chain of letters of complaint.