I had an amazing conversation with a counsellor today. For my entire life I have hated doing the wrong thing and getting into trouble. So I try really hard not to do the wrong thing and thereby avoid getting into trouble. I live a fairly clean life as a result.
The counsellor picked up, quite quickly, on a phrase I kept repeating during our conversation.
She repeated it to me.
She asked where I felt it was coming from. She said that it seemed almost child like, and –
When I was a child, life was quite an ordeal. I lived in fear a lot. I perceived that my parents were unhappily married, my dad worked really long hours, and they both seemed quite sad and were prone to bursts of anger. There was a lot of violence, physical and emotional.
As a result, if I did the wrong thing, there was always the risk, and too often the reality, of a belting. I never felt safe.
As an adult I have worked through a lot of the trauma of my childhood experiences. I’m fairly well balanced these days and generally very happy. I am proud of the life that I have created for myself and proud of the great relationship I have with each of my parents.
Apparently though, there is more work to do. And the counsellor hit it on the head when she suggested the affirmation, I am safe, to me. So my mantra for today and tomorrow and beyond is I am safe.
I don’t often speak to counsellors; I tend to work through things myself. As a result, I am resilient, emotionally intelligent (counsellor’s words), possess strong internal resources and strategies, and will survive everything thrown at me. I have often found that I offer myself more than the counsellors I have spoken to have been able to.
Until today. Today I spoke to scoundrel lot that was able to actively listen, mirror and then provide the right strategy for me to incorporate to be able to move forward.
Who would have thought that those three words could make such a difference.
Onward recovery, onward.