I have had a rough couple of days and the brightness of my life is still a way off returning. I’m using everything I know to just keep going. I drove to and from work yesterday with no recollection of either drive. I’m not sleeping, my body is anxious, I feel sick continually, and I’m scared.
And I can’t explain why.
I live my life a certain way. I follow a set of principles for living that I think keep me on track to be the best version of myself most of the time. I am far from perfect or ideal but I work hard to be authentic and genuine.
When I reflect though, adhering to my core principles, believing in my worth and value, and trusting in the process, has always yielded positive results, even if I’ve found it impossible to trust in.
As humans, we desire to fix broken systems and tend to do so in an unnatural, inorganic way. I think by imposing rigidity, breaking connections between people, and not working to foster trust and conversation, the system’s processes cause significantly more damage and hurt than is necessary. And cause illness in the body.
And I’m skirting a fine line here.
The article from Liz Gilbert, preceding this post, focuses on the importance of connection in finding our way out of darkness. When systems impose rules that don’t foster but directly and intentionally inhibit connection, they are also imposing darkness. And this goes against my core philosophy for life, and definitely for resolving conflict.
But I will also not subvert the system whilst I’m in it. I need it to work for me so that I am then in a position to fight against it, hopefully remedying some of its significantly damaging flaws.
And I will be fighting against it.