A Corner

And then you turn a corner, the sun is rising, the breeze is blowing your hair, and you can breathe again. The change is so subtle that it takes someone else to notice that you don’t look as weighed down. And you acknowledge it because finally you feel inspired again. 

Four weeks to the day that my world turned completely upside down. Four weeks of nausea, of fear, of very little sleep, of nightmares when you do sleep, of no motivation to do anything, of extreme self doubt, of second guessing everything that you think, feel and say. Four weeks. 

I’m not a hundred percent, not even close. But I have some sir it back, some fight, some resilience.

I still need a massage. 

Tomorrow. 

?

I have so many thoughts running around inside my head. And by so many, I mean too many. Explains the headache methinks. Not all negative and not all positive. And not in any type of order. 

1. I heard back from the tattoo studio. No appointments until 2017 with Mark Nara for my chest piece. I am excited. A mark for turning 45. It will be a pretty and highly elegant tattoo.

2. I love the kids at my school. I was at the local shopping centre this afternoon and picked up two feral on my journey. They followed me from shop to shop, to the extent that I was telling shopkeepers about being stalked and the girls telling them that I was their mother, then calling me Miss. I love the kids. 

3. Resignation. Anxiety. Frustration. Anger. Nausea. Headache. 

4. Must apply for car loan. 

5. Must make doctor’s appointments. 

6. Google Classroom is amazing. I love it. 

7. Hope the tour company get back to me with a date for my Year 11 class excursion to Newtown so I can organise it. We are going to learn about the street art on our journey and spend the afternoon in a park writing. 

8. I have to write a blurb for the Annual School Report. 

9. Yoga tomorrow night. Do I get a massage first? My whole body is so tight and sore. Maybe hot stones. 

10. I should finish one of the three novels I have started. 

11. I should sort out my business stuff. 

12. I should I should I should. 

13. Sigh. HBN. You are still with me every single day. ❤️💕❤️

Seclusion 

Four days of Tina time. No interaction, face to face, with anyone else, and minimal other interaction. Time to dig deep and find my voice to follow my path. 

I have watched Series 3 of The Newsroom and ALL of the Twilight movies. And for the first time in months I have spent hours writing adolescent fiction. I now have three novels I am in the process of finishing. 

A few obstacles encountered in the writing process but I have overcome each one. If only life were that easy. Maybe it is. Maybe the obstacles I’m encountering is as a result of not being able to let go, breathe, and trust that my life is exactly where it is meant to be. 

I also watched Super Soul Sunday and Adayashanti was speaking about the trust needed to just be, and to let your life flow in the direction it is meant to. Our reluctance, resistance, causes the friction which leads to pain. It makes sense. I’ll try it this week and see … 

Happy Easter! A time for resurrection … 

Taking the Fight Forward 

I have watched The Newsroom Series 3 for the past two weekends. The whole six episodes. If this isn’t one of the best TV shows ever made, I don’t know what is. 

I have derived inspiration and strength from watching it. Inspiration that the fight for good and to eradicate ‘evil’ is always important, and strength to commence my battle against the evil currently existing in my world. 

I have commenced my letter writing campaign. I think one of the hardest things about today’s very connected society, is that we are no longer individuals. We are now employee numbers or grouped individuals. On paper, not much differentiates one of us from any other. But we are all our own unique selves, with our own contexts and our own perspectives and our own ways of being and doing. So trying to launch my first letter, capturing part of myself to stand out, whilst still being appropriate is not easy. 

But I will get there. 

And at the end of this battle, which I may or may not win, I will be able to hold my head high knowing that I fought the good fight wholly true to who I am and what I stand for. 

Waking to Epiphanies

It is always easy to blame others … for everything that goes wrong or becomes askew in our lives. I think it is our first reaction. Blaming others affords us freedom from looking within. It can also provide time for us to process the emotion caused by what has happened. And the events … our outrage forces us to talk about what has happened, to get it out of our system. It can be healthy.

I think though, sometimes we can get stuck in blaming others, in that outrage. And this is not healthy for us.

This morning, I had a moment. I am really good with people when I am listening to them, being their friend, supporting them, hanging out with them. As much as in recent days there are some people who have questioned my integrity with regards to genuine care, I do genuinely care about the welfare of others. If I lend an ear, offer advice, send supportive messages, it all comes from an authentic and genuine desire to support.

I am really good at supporting myself, and here comes the caveat, the moment, because I perceive that I have always had to be the one to support myself. So, I continue to support myself.

What I am not good at, is talking about myself unless I feel completely safe. Remembering this is a new epiphany, so I am still processing the depth of its impact in my life, I am likely to still ‘blame’ others before I reach acceptance.

I struggle with the belief that any individual could genuinely want to listen to me, just me, without sharing their own pains. Not their fault. My perception is that I am not enough. Not enough unless I am providing some type of service for the other. Intellectually I know that this thought system is ridiculous and not true. However, the emotional imprinting of experience forces me to run to this belief first. And then I become stuck … more often than not. Now that I am aware, I will push through this in future.

I think too, that similarly to intimate relationships, I don’t always place my energies in friendship into the friendships that could offer me what I truly desire and need from friendship. And I only ever feel betrayed by friendship when I am at a low point. In the good times I have great friends. No complaints. Which I think verifies the validity of my assertion that I do not choose friends holistically.

I also then blame those friends who I perceive aren’t there for me. They should be there, I say, because I am always there for them, and then I say that they are selfish, but really, the friendship hasn’t been constructed to offer mutual support, it wasn’t built for that. And that, well, that, I think is my doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going kamikaze on myself. There is no resentment here this morning, and no undeserved blame or responsibility being shouldered. In fact, I feel more at peace than I have in years this morning with the role of friendship in my life.

I do possess friends who do support me. I know this. I trust it. I believe in it. I also receive support from people who are in my life, like here on my blog. I think that people offer what they can when they can. Some people understand a situation better than others can, and some people know how to be a friend to me better than others do, and some people I have worked with for years and we train each other to be what we need.

What needs to come from me is less resentment (no resentment) and an acceptance that the people who are there are the ones that have something to offer at that time. That doesn’t mean I have to cull friends, it just means that I need to not expect from others what they can’t or are unwilling to give at times. And that is okay. But, I also need to learn to nurture the friendships that do offer me the more holistic relationship that I crave. And not rebel against them.

What a purge. Lol. Yesterday’s ongoing, constant, nagging introspection appears to have yielded some results.

I am also feeling better prepared for the long fight against bureaucracy that is coming. I am almost ready to start my chain of letters of complaint.

The Positive in Crisis 

We all (I’m sure it is all) have times when one thing after another doesn’t go as expected. Generally, I am a firm believer that like bushfires, these times serve to regenerate our lives, our passions, our directions. 

I also know that it is always easier to remember and believe this as you are coming out of the crisis or after the crisis, rather than when you are immersed in the crisis. Hallelujah though, for that moment when you do start to move forward again, scraping off the mud you are layered in, remembering that now is a time of fertility. An opportunity to recreate your life. 

I am grateful for that tiny seed today. But after three weeks, how did I get here. 

I don’t know. Maybe …

Yoga.

Four days of Easter. 

Success in my classroom. 

A clean desk.

A great meeting yesterday. 

A massage after work. 

Expressing my feelings, albeit in my blog. 

People reaching out. 

A lazy day. 

Time with Max and Molly. 

The death of Tashi and of a friend’s friend. Reminders that life is short and regardless of what happens with my current crisis, I do have control in my life. 

An email about upcoming Alana Fairchild and Lucy Cavendish workshops in Berry. 

A reminder that I’m going to India.

Time out and by myself. Not having to be anything for anyone else. 

Who knows. 

But it’s happening. And that’s all that matters. 

Friendship – A Bitter Post

When I had my miscarriage a couple of years ago, some of you may recall, I felt very betrayed by some friends disappearing when I needed them most. In hindsight some of my feelings, or some of the intensity at least, may have been due to the massive amounts of hormones in my system. And I accept that. Mostly. 

As a result, I have tried to be more forthcoming with people. I have tried to open up, share my bad times, reach out, etcetera. 

I am going through a rough patch at the moment. One day I will talk about it broadly. I can’t do that today. And it’s irrelevant really, except that I’ve had flashbacks to those yucky times of miscarriage. 

I generally have a lot of friends. When people are sad or want help, I’m called. When I’m happy, people want to hang out and people touch base, etcetera. I know people are busy. I get that. 

But I would have hoped that the people I have opened up to, in my sadness/despair/anxiety, would touch base with me now. 

Lesson learned. 

There are quite a few people who won’t be hearing from me again. Friendship needs to go both ways. So many of mine don’t. 

Simply, I’m worth more.