I was driving to work the other day, listening to Brene talk about shame, and it lead me to reflect on the first moment I remember when I didn’t feel good enough. Luckily my drive to work is serene and I could recall, detached from emotion hehe.
I really struggle with my perception of myself as attractive. I don’t see it consistently; sometimes I think it is there but, meh. It has impacted my confidence and my courage. And it started when I was about 7 or 8. Before that, who cares right.
My mum was talking to a lady in a salon. My sisters and I were there. I am the oldest and although I was born blonde, by this stage my hair had darkened. My sisters were both blonde. They were ultra skinny; I was more average.
The lady in the salon turned to the three of us and said, I shit you not, something along the lines of, “Aren’t your two blonde girls so pretty.”
Yep. I still carry anger and resentment. I can see her face and the words flying through my head make me smile maniacally. Yep.
What can one say to that?
That’s why I’m so intelligent, nerdy and funny – knew I’d never get by on my looks [tongue in cheek].
Anyway, today there was a spider in the staff room, walking across the desk without a care. This was my reaction: