Better Out Than In

Not just burps or farts or snot. 


I am always advising the kids to get their emotions out. To find what works for them and then do it. Everyone’s different. For some people it is talking. For others it is running or activity. Music gets a show in for a fair few.

For me, it is writing. 

My whole life words have helped me sort my thoughts and emotions out. Sometimes it is enough to talk but more often than not, I need to write it. 

This is one of those times. Feel free to stop reading. 

It’s been an insane week. And it’s only Tuesday. What is that about. 

I often feel like I’m not a very good friend to people. I’m not enough. Even if I’m giving everything I have, there are times that what I give doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I’m there now. 

I’m giving everything to get through each day at work. I’m exhausted emotionally when I get home. I can’t return calls and I can’t answer the door. I’m struggling to return inboxes and texts. I’m tired. 

Thank god for one of my colleagues who has to hear more than she wants to. Every. Single. Day. 

So much I can’t talk about. I recently lost a friend. It hurts. I often lose friends. To the point I almost laugh when I say it. I think I’m nice enough but people don’t tend to stay around. It might be too much like hard work maybe. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted and don’t return calls. Maybe. 

Anyway, I said something to her and she misinterpreted or misheard it. Other people then told her she was responsible for my rough moments a few months ago. And so, she signed out of our friendship. Her right to do so but I wish she’d spoken to me about it. At the time I was dealing with quite a few suicidal people plus a few serious child protection issues at work. And the normal welfare I do anyway, for staff, students and friends. It wasn’t one person or one issue but the combined impact of many. 

I’m dealing with a lot now too. Grieving. Trying to reach out to kids to make sure they know I’m here for them but feeling like I’m intruding at the same time. 

Adding to that, a student with diagnosed mental health issues hearing voices in spite of her medication, that are telling her to kill herself. And a student who has made a poor choice but is relentlessly beating herself up for it. Another student in hospital after being seriously injured in an accident. And a few students just not coping at all with life. 

I wish I could wave a magic wand for all of them. 

But I can’t. 

I can listen. So that is what I do. 

I pray it is enough. 

It’s a hard job, teaching. 

And to add to it, completely insignificant in the scheme of what is going on for so many people, I feel like I’ve failed. I applied for a substantive head teacher position at another school. I thought my application was quite solid. 

I’m not very good at conveying how amazing I am. Well, that’s what my boss has said and it appears that he is right. I hate the game of promotion in education. It’s utter bs. 

But it’s plaguing me that I can’t sell myself. Smiling as I write this, I just wish someone could see how amazing I am and just give me a job lol. But no such luck. 

Having said that, I’ve created opportunities for myself in developing a program to support teachers to teach reading and brought an opportunity into my school as a result. 

So, it’s not all bad. 

I’m just tired. 

How many days til holidays again?!