My posts are sad and/or thoughtful lately 😳

I think I need to start posting daily again to get some balance lol. Please know that I am okay. My blog is a collection of my thoughts and perceptions to help others feel less alone. Yes, I’m impacted by my life but I’m usually good. And I’m definitely a happy person. What I post is real but the posts are snapshots. 

Now, having said that …

One of my friends is in the process of miscarrying and my heart is breaking for her. We have no real control over such things and it just sucks. Especially right at Christmas, the time for children. It’s hard not being a mum. 

I still struggle being around small children. I love them. And it is like knives slowly twisting through my heart as I interact with them. 

I will never have that. 

Never share the giggles and smiles of my child as they explore their world. Or hold their hand and them close when they are scared. 

Spending time with children at Christmas is soooooooooo hard for me. I used to imagine and daydream setting up the tree, wrapping presents late at night to give Santa a hand, being woken up ridiculously early when children realise Santa has been. 

I’ve banned Christmas for myself this year except for Christmas movies. I’m also contemplating (every day) putting the tree up. I’ve banned it partly because I’ve grown to dislike December and mostly because of the extreme consumerism that I am also guilty of. 

But also because it reminds me that I’m not a mum. 

I will unban it if my foster care application is approved but probably won’t if it isn’t. 

We do Kris Kringle in my faculty. I was blessed to receive notice that my Kris has donated in my name to an adult literacy program for women in the third world. 


We need more of this. 

I assure you I am happy. 

5 thoughts on “My posts are sad and/or thoughtful lately 😳

  1. Hi Tina. Nicole here. I used to jazz up your nails. Thought of you completely out of the blue today and decided to look you up. Think we were connected through Facebook some years ago, but I must have unfriended you when I went through a phase of only being cyber-connected to people I still had active friendships with. (Sorry about that; it was ning-nongy of me and quite rude.) Anyhow, that’s all irrelevant to your post about the immense grief you feel over not becoming a birth mum. I’m truly sorry to hear that this did not happen for you. It must be incredibly painful and especially cruel at times like Christmas, as you have so eloquently described. Glad that you have found a way to nourish and nurture children who need you as a mother figure through foster care. You know this already, but you will be wonderful. You have an incredible gift of being able to see the potential and good in people. Those children who get to have you as their primary attachment figure/parent — for however long that may be — are going to carry that with them for the rest of their lives, and carry it in that place in their heart reserved for those who mould and integrate us. Best wishes on your journey, Nicole.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Doing really well! No, I’m living in Hobart. And, yes, still following my dreams, though they’re a lot less set these days and not so well defined. I would ask you the same, but it’s evident from your blog that you are. You still at Thomas Reddall? (It was Thomas Reddall, wasn’t it?)

        And just a quick thank you: don’t know that I ever expressed this, but you encouraged me when, as a young woman, I was quite lost (and not really in a good place mentally), to move beyond where I was mired. I really needed that nudge, and you gave it a crucial/vital point, as not many people were able to reach me at that time. You do this for many, I am sure, but just wanted to let you know I will always be grateful for it, in case I didn’t say so at the time. Bit heavy for three in the arvo, but that’s when I happened to check this, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hehe god love you that’s gorgeous! I loved those times with you at the salon – ridiculous as that sounds. It was about the relationships – I always walked out happy. And yes still at Reddall – I will die there. I’m head teacher of performing arts and literacy and love it for the most part. If you are ever back here let me know. And if you want to keep in contact il send you my number Thank you for contacting me!!!


          • Yes, me too. It is always the connections I make with others that stick in my mind, and we clicked well and had a lot of fun and laughs. That’s awesome being head of performing arts and literacy! If my memory serves me correctly, you were an English teacher at the time, so now you get to direct the stage, too! I’ll shoot you through an email.


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