Mother is always right 

So, mum and I were talking, have several times in the last couple of weeks, and she kept saying, just wait to see what happens, and like every child I was armed with my reasons why I wasn’t going to wait for anything anymore. IVF made me wait for year after year, and I stopped living. 

And as you know, in the last week I have made decision after decision after decision. Life will be lived. Goddammit it will be lived. Lol. 

I woke this morning with an epiphany. A scroll was running through my mind. Everything that I want to do. And I remembered I work full time. And I’m going to be a foster mum. And I’m starting a business. And I’m studying. And I want to study more to add to my business. 

And my doctorate is going to have to wait. 

Unfortunately. 

Because last night I really got stuck into coming up with a research question. And I am happy with the direction. 

So bring on my ten year plan. Five if I’m not successful with my foster care application. 

Mothers are always right. Mother figures are always right. I thought I’d learned this. 

The reminder hasn’t hurt. 

Enjoy the heat that is this long weekend in Australia. Thirty degrees at 10am in Thirlmere. 

Writing day today. 

Today

and I am truly back to me. It’s been an interesting day. 

I decided to drive to Liverpool this morning to drop in the originals of my application to become a foster carer so that The Benevolent Society could witness my 100 points of identification. A quick trip. Culminating in a timeline. 

By the end of this month, Vesna will contact me to organise the first of five home visits. My completed application and their reports should go before the panel in January. I will know by end of January, and then it is just waiting for a child/children to be placed with me. If I am successful. When I am successful. 

I went to school to do some work in readiness for Tuesday and for starting in a new staffroom. Just for the first three weeks. All of my units for this term are ready to be printed for the kids. Every single one. There will still be bits and pieces but I don’t have any real school work to do for three days! There are things I could do but nothing I have to do. 

And then mum and I had lunch at the Art Centre; well worth visiting the cafe there. 

Home to call the University of Wollongong’s Head of Postgraduate Courses in the Arts Faculty to enquire about the potential of completing my Doctorate. I thought I would be knocked back completely. Instead, I should apply and detail the research I completed in my Masters. They will accept me into the Doctorate or an integrated Masters/Doctorate or my Master in Philosophy. 

And then I started reading Liz Gilbert’s Big Magic. I have been looking at it for so long but knew I had to achieve my school work, foster care application, business things, and my doctorate enquiries before I was permitted to read. 

What a glorious day! A day of rewards and bliss. 

And Tina is back. 

Yay!  

Life and My Psyche

Today is the first day that I feel me since I became absorbed in/by the pain and trauma of others. I don’t know how long ago it was that I stopped feeling like myself. I know it was at some point in the last four or so weeks. 

It has been a journey to get here. Hopefully a journey that I will not have to undertake again. Hopefully I have learned the importance of prioritising myself and my welfare for the last time. Hehe. Hopefully. 

I think my IVF journey took from me my initiative regarding my life decisions and choices. Not entirely but enough. Before IVF I just decided to do things. Because of the control that you sacrifice during IVF I think I forgot to practice the control in my life. 

I’m not blaming IVF. I am a firm believer that my life is my responsibility. As an adult I am not at the behest of others. However, IVF consumed me. My focus on becoming a birth mother saturated my consciousness. My life was on hold between cycles and there was no life during cycles. Almost to the point that you forget you are a person living and you start to regard yourself, subconsciously, as an incubator, an experiment, a means to an end. 

I always had other plans but I didn’t really act on them. 

I knew I wanted to do other things, like travel, like start a business, like buy a home, like study some more, and writing, but I didn’t. 

I couldn’t. 

What if I started something and then fell pregnant. And this mindset, even a year after my last failed attempt, was still holding firm. 

It has literally only shifted in the last week. 

And now I am reclaiming my right to choose, and my right to not wait to see how things turn out. 

I’ve shaken the globe that is my life and I’m waiting to see where the pieces fall. Gratefully, there are many pieces. I am setting my own course, no longer in bondage to IVF cycles or my desire to be a birth mother. Those shackles are gone. 

And I am grateful.