Life and My Psyche

Today is the first day that I feel me since I became absorbed in/by the pain and trauma of others. I don’t know how long ago it was that I stopped feeling like myself. I know it was at some point in the last four or so weeks. 

It has been a journey to get here. Hopefully a journey that I will not have to undertake again. Hopefully I have learned the importance of prioritising myself and my welfare for the last time. Hehe. Hopefully. 

I think my IVF journey took from me my initiative regarding my life decisions and choices. Not entirely but enough. Before IVF I just decided to do things. Because of the control that you sacrifice during IVF I think I forgot to practice the control in my life. 

I’m not blaming IVF. I am a firm believer that my life is my responsibility. As an adult I am not at the behest of others. However, IVF consumed me. My focus on becoming a birth mother saturated my consciousness. My life was on hold between cycles and there was no life during cycles. Almost to the point that you forget you are a person living and you start to regard yourself, subconsciously, as an incubator, an experiment, a means to an end. 

I always had other plans but I didn’t really act on them. 

I knew I wanted to do other things, like travel, like start a business, like buy a home, like study some more, and writing, but I didn’t. 

I couldn’t. 

What if I started something and then fell pregnant. And this mindset, even a year after my last failed attempt, was still holding firm. 

It has literally only shifted in the last week. 

And now I am reclaiming my right to choose, and my right to not wait to see how things turn out. 

I’ve shaken the globe that is my life and I’m waiting to see where the pieces fall. Gratefully, there are many pieces. I am setting my own course, no longer in bondage to IVF cycles or my desire to be a birth mother. Those shackles are gone. 

And I am grateful. 

4 thoughts on “Life and My Psyche

  1. I love that you are getting back to you. It is so easy on the journey of life to lose sight of yourself and what you need and I think when you compound that experience with something as difficult as IF it gets all that much easier to fade away. I know I have felt this way, especially those months where you are temping yourself each morning; because the second you wake up you do something related to making a fetus and as we all know what you start your day with usually sets your mood for the rest of the day 🙂 Everyday becomes about making babies and all the feelings that go with the cycles where that doesn’t happen.
    It sounds like you are making some awesome steps.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In my case I am more of thinking what will happen if my IVF journey fail again. I can’t afford to feel the pain of loosing hope. I am more after having a child. At my age i have this feeling of urgency to have a child. If you feel that IVF is a hindrance to your dreams (not actually a hindrance but for some reason that’s what I feel on you :D) for me IVF is my hope and that’s what makes me go forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope that you are successful. I’m not sure where you are in your journey – I found it to be a rollercoaster and I became stuck. It was hope for me for a long time before that. I’m applying to be a foster carer now. Blessings to you – I hope you fall pregnant soon x

      Like

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