Today is the first day that I feel me since I became absorbed in/by the pain and trauma of others. I don’t know how long ago it was that I stopped feeling like myself. I know it was at some point in the last four or so weeks.
It has been a journey to get here. Hopefully a journey that I will not have to undertake again. Hopefully I have learned the importance of prioritising myself and my welfare for the last time. Hehe. Hopefully.
I think my IVF journey took from me my initiative regarding my life decisions and choices. Not entirely but enough. Before IVF I just decided to do things. Because of the control that you sacrifice during IVF I think I forgot to practice the control in my life.
I’m not blaming IVF. I am a firm believer that my life is my responsibility. As an adult I am not at the behest of others. However, IVF consumed me. My focus on becoming a birth mother saturated my consciousness. My life was on hold between cycles and there was no life during cycles. Almost to the point that you forget you are a person living and you start to regard yourself, subconsciously, as an incubator, an experiment, a means to an end.
I always had other plans but I didn’t really act on them.
I knew I wanted to do other things, like travel, like start a business, like buy a home, like study some more, and writing, but I didn’t.
What if I started something and then fell pregnant. And this mindset, even a year after my last failed attempt, was still holding firm.
It has literally only shifted in the last week.
And now I am reclaiming my right to choose, and my right to not wait to see how things turn out.
I’ve shaken the globe that is my life and I’m waiting to see where the pieces fall. Gratefully, there are many pieces. I am setting my own course, no longer in bondage to IVF cycles or my desire to be a birth mother. Those shackles are gone.
And I am grateful.