I just started to watch tonight’s episode of Australian Story, recorded because I wasn’t sure I would be able to sit through the whole thing in one sitting, and I was right.
The urge to be a mother can be so primal. I was forced to think of the entirety of my journey to motherhood thus far, including the life choices I made to be in the position of needing to use fertility treatments.
The most incredible part is that desire, deep seated longing, to become a mum. I cry it is so fierce. I know that my best chance of being a mum for a young child all the way through is through foster care. I am okay with that. Now.
But I really feel like I need to let other people know how hard it is emotionally to see other people with their own children; a constant reminder that as a woman I was inadequate. A failure.
And before you jump telling me that I’m not a failure and far from inadequate, I need you to hear what I’m saying. Logically I know that I’m not too. But that means nothing. Or very little. At the end of the day, you have had what I don’t.
I am working to change that.
And at some point, my home will be filled with children.
But it isn’t yet.
I’m at peace with my path. But it still hurts. That yearning unfulfilled … Cries.