Australian society has come a fair way that Buddy Franklin can take time out from the Swans this close to Finals and it is ‘acceptable’ to the majority. The stigma of mental illness seems to be declining. For celebrities at least.
I am not blogging regularly.
I am not laughing as much.
I am lethargic and at times apathetic.
I am spiralling. The last time I felt this way was 2008. I vowed I would never end up that low again.
So I am fighting. And fighting hard.
Every ounce of energy is being used to keep me functioning .. One step, and one breath, after another.
The unfortunate thing is that I am usually the strong one, the wise one, the empathetic one.
And I can’t be that person right now for anyone but myself. My job doesn’t permit that type of ‘selfishness’ though.
I’m so tired.
I know what has lead me here.
A big long list of many things.
Thankfully, me failing at being a birth mum isn’t one of them. The fostering has taken care of that. Interestingly, they aren’t my issues, except for one. I just think I’ve been so strong for so long that I’m just plain exhausted.
In the last two years I have watched a system designed to protect young people fail. The systems designed to support staff have failed. And I think, in part, that has triggered my experience of sexual abuse to rear its ugly head. In my day, as a child, there were no protections. It would appear that whilst awareness has grown, protection for our kids still does not exist. And I’m angry. Angry that my students have to suffer. That some live their lives in fear. That I know how hard the road ahead for them is. Abuse is the first betrayal. The system failing them is the second. And when the system fails, how can the adults who are there to nurture and heal find the strength to do just that. And how do the kids learn to trust again, and in what can they trust. Individuals yes; adults as a whole, no. And that’s not leading them to health and that’s just plain wrong.
And so I’m spiralling. I’m struggling to trust. I can’t find the words to express myself and so I’m self protecting by being cold or by being snappy.
I cried on the way to work this morning.
I want to fight to change the system but I’m so damn tired.
I feel like just recounting everything here but it’s odds on that if I broke the rules governing that, the system wouldn’t fail and I’d be in huge trouble. What is that about!
I’m struggling to trust.
A fair few weeks ago one of my treasured students treated me abysmally. I am struggling with her lack of ownership of that, her lack of desire to fix it.
I need to be the adult and so I behave mostly normally. But it hurts. And I hate that.
I hate being the punching bag. I hate people not knowing who I am. I hate being a concept.
I’m definitely spiralling.