My blogging has been brief the last few nights due to time constraints. I feel the need to share Thursday night though so will attempt to do the experience justice now lol fingers crossed.
I have just been sharing a few messages with a friend who is currently in the worst part of an IVF cycle – the dreaded two week wait before the blood test and answer, where every twinge can mean success and failure so your brain and heart are in a continual state of mush. I do not miss it. Not at all.
But I do miss all of the needles – every single one. Yes, I am a psycho. I am so hopeful for her. Everything is crossed.
It wasn’t meant to be my path. I truly feel and believe that now. With a twinge of sadness still. My life has prepared me for a different path. Exactly what that path is, is still uncertain.
I was exhausted Thursday night, driving in to the Liverpool office of The Benevolent Society. And to make it heavier, resisting the urge to drive to one of my best friend’s homes to hug her because she had just found out that her beloved dog has inoperable tumours and not long to live.
I remember her planning to get her dog, loving her dog, all of us loving her dog, and then this shattering news. The love from dogs is unrivalled in this world …
So, with a very heavy heart I made my way to Liverpool. I parked. I was early. I waited. I became shy.
I never know where to sit in these things. I opted for the front row. Everyone else sat behind me. I ended up sitting sideways twisted for most of the night.
The presentation was quite thorough and very honest. Worst case scenarios for fostering were presented. And if you read my post from Thursday, it will be no surprise that I sat there fighting back tears.
Not of sadness.
This is exactly where I was supposed to be.
I have a peculiar skill set, unsuited to raising my own child. There have been studies of the brain. On the screen were two photos of a four year old brain. One was very consistent – a healthy child. The other was obviously damaged – a traumatised child.
Healing is possible. Damage can be minimised.
In the right conditions. With love, support, nurturing. I can offer that. My skill set helps people onto a healing path every day.
A moment of knowing.
At the end, we were told we would be contacted within a week to see where our reflection takes us. I got home and emailed them.
I don’t need a week. My involuntary emotional response was all I needed, to know that this was my path. I may not be assessed successfully but I need to try. And I am ready to start that journey.
My new journey towards family.
Time will tell.
I do not regret the many tens of thousands of dollars that I have spent on IVF. Even though that money and less debt would have been awesome when I needed somewhere to live. And I don’t regret it because my experience has helped others. It has served me to find another path and others to finding success in IVF. That journey has helped me to mature and to commit and to be honest with myself about who I am and why I am here.
I am a truly blessed person. I look forward to the next phase of my journey to my own family.