I love the movie Under The Tuscan Sun. It is such a beautiful and timeless film. I have always specifically loved the message that we always get what we want but not always the way that we expected.
The main character wanted a family in her Tuscan home. And she got it, and everything else, but not necessarily how she wanted it.
That movie’s premise has helped me process my grief.
I want to be a mum. For me, that was always attached to being a birth mum. And really, I just wanted to experience pregnancy, I think the attention of pregnancy (if I am being completely honest), and be secure that the child would be mine for life.
Moving through my grieving process, not many people have a smooth pregnancy, I hate being the centre of attention anywhere outside of my classroom, and once I commit to being a foster carer (pending approval), realistically those kids probably will be stuck with me for life, and if not them, the ones after them.
That’s not to say there aren’t a few tears leading up to Thursday. Accepting that I will never feel life kick or move in my belly hurts. Knowing I will never understand the pain and trauma of labour and childbirth hurts. Knowing I will never have a child carry my name or resemble me as part of me hurts.
But such is the path I chose for myself.
At least I will (fingers crossed) still be able to care for and nurture children, and even put my head in my hands and question why I wanted this so badly on the very bad days, and seriously question it when I realise that my life as I know it, free, is gone.
Surely they are the true joys of motherhood.