Conferencing 

There was a time, not so long ago, when I wouldn’t have booked a hotel for myself for a conference in Sydney. 

I didn’t think I was worth the time out from reality. How sad hey. A very simple pleasure. Not driving home for hours in traffic only to turn around tomorrow morning and drive in the same traffic to get back here. 

I am worth taking this time though. I am worth spending the Qantas points on this two roomed room (I’ve never stayed in one like this before). I am worth spending the extra points for water views. 

We all are. 

Initially I debated whether it was all worth it. The internal dialogue lasted for days, back and forth. And for no real reason. I accumulate the points so why not use them. 

Having said that, before I realised that I could use my points I was going to use cash. My logic there would have been the same. 

I am worth living my life with occasional decadence from time out. I work hard. I am generally a good person. I deserve this. 

We all do. 

And so many of us forego this type of behaviour because we can’t afford it, we don’t have time, there are other things more important. But I argue all of this. We can all afford something, we can make the time, and nothing is more important than our mental health and acknowledging we are worth the occasional lapse from reality. 

The sun is setting. Plane after plane is taking off to explore the skies above. City lights are twinkling. 

In this moment of calm, of peace, all is perfect. 

Summer is coming. It is getting dark later. It isn’t as cold. And people are out. 

I am blessed. 

What can you do for yourself tomorrow, that is just for you? 

Do it. 

  

Overwhelmed

I have read through all of the fostering paperwork for the application form. I am feeling a little overwhelmed and a little sad. 

I need to include my life story. 

😳

Could I just include a link to here? 

A tale of surviving dysfunction. Not conquering it. Surviving. How much do you tell? How much revelation supports an application and how much stomps on the application’s head?

Honesty is the best policy. 

But is it really. 

Yikes. 

I could be creative and fashion it as a fairytale preempting their decision on my application; after all, I deserve a happily ever after. 

Life story. 

How does one do that. 

Introverts and Conferences

Tomorrow morning I leave home ridiculously early to make my way into Sydney for a conference. I love learning. This conference will directly support me in my role at school. I was so keen to get registered etc. So excited. 

Until the reality of being in a mass of people for two whole days hit me. Urghhh. 

Add to my introversion my shyness around adults and I am seriously questioning my sanity. 

I am now praying for two days of learning and praying that the learning is non-interactive. 

Please universe, be on my side. Lol. 

However, I am looking forward to water views from my hotel room. I am looking forward to walking along the water. I am looking forward to quiet time, turning off my phone and immersing myself in writing … After I have written reports. 

Yuck. 

😳

The End Of One Journey

My blogging has been brief the last few nights due to time constraints. I feel the need to share Thursday night though so will attempt to do the experience justice now lol fingers crossed. 

I have just been sharing a few messages with a friend who is currently in the worst part of an IVF cycle – the dreaded two week wait before the blood test and answer, where every twinge can mean success and failure so your brain and heart are in a continual state of mush. I do not miss it. Not at all. 

But I do miss all of the needles – every single one. Yes, I am a psycho. I am so hopeful for her. Everything is crossed. 

It wasn’t meant to be my path. I truly feel and believe that now. With a twinge of sadness still. My life has prepared me for a different path. Exactly what that path is, is still uncertain. 

I was exhausted Thursday night, driving in to the Liverpool office of The Benevolent Society. And to make it heavier, resisting the urge to drive to one of my best friend’s homes to hug her because she had just found out that her beloved dog has inoperable tumours and not long to live. 

I remember her planning to get her dog, loving her dog, all of us loving her dog, and then this shattering news. The love from dogs is unrivalled in this world … 

So, with a very heavy heart I made my way to Liverpool. I parked. I was early. I waited. I became shy. 

I never know where to sit in these things. I opted for the front row. Everyone else sat behind me. I ended up sitting sideways twisted for most of the night. 

The presentation was quite thorough and very honest. Worst case scenarios for fostering were presented. And if you read my post from Thursday, it will be no surprise that I sat there fighting back tears. 

Not of sadness. 

Of knowing. 

This is exactly where I was supposed to be. 

I have a peculiar skill set, unsuited to raising my own child. There have been studies of the brain. On the screen were two photos of a four year old brain. One was very consistent – a healthy child. The other was obviously damaged – a traumatised child. 

Healing is possible. Damage can be minimised. 

In the right conditions. With love, support, nurturing. I can offer that. My skill set helps people onto a healing path every day. 

A moment of knowing. 

At the end, we were told we would be contacted within a week to see where our reflection takes us. I got home and emailed them. 

I don’t need a week. My involuntary emotional response was all I needed, to know that this was my path. I may not be assessed successfully but I need to try. And I am ready to start that journey. 

My new journey towards family.

Time will tell. 

I do not regret the many tens of thousands of dollars that I have spent on IVF. Even though that money and less debt would have been awesome when I needed somewhere to live. And I don’t regret it because my experience has helped others. It has served me to find another path and others to finding success in IVF. That journey has helped me to mature and to commit and to be honest with myself about who I am and why I am here. 

I am a truly blessed person. I look forward to the next phase of my journey to my own family. 

A Quickie

That night in New York when I became emotional before Mary Badham because everything seemed perfect just as it was and I knew I was meant to be where I was. Well, it happened again at the Foster Carer Information Night. I was sitting there holding back tears because I felt that it was right. I understood why I wasn’t meant to be a birth mother. My skill set is designed to heal. Foster kids need support, more than the average bear. That’s what I’ve done my whole life; that’s who I am. And so … The story continues. 

Teaching is about relationships

Yes, you need to know your subject material. But for real success in the classroom you need to be authentic so that the kids are willing to build strong relationships with you. 

It really is as simple as that. 

And relationships with their parents and carers. 

We had our Subject Selection night for Years 8 and 10 into 9 and 11. And I had fun. I caught up with some parents I have known for years, and I was able to torment the kids. It was lovely. I’m still smiling … With fondness and with love. 

Relationships is why I’m still teaching – nowhere else do you have the ability to love and care for so many people whilst also positively impacting lives, and the future of our world. 

Dump the fear. Follow your vision. And teach. 

Best job. 

Oh, and teach in a school that is labeled low socio-economic – you feel your worth and your value. Perseverance pays off. 

Love you kids! 

The Alternate Path

I love the movie Under The Tuscan Sun. It is such a beautiful and timeless film. I have always specifically loved the message that we always get what we want but not always the way that we expected. 

The main character wanted a family in her Tuscan home. And she got it, and everything else, but not necessarily how she wanted it. 

That movie’s premise has helped me process my grief. 

I want to be a mum. For me, that was always attached to being a birth mum. And really, I just wanted to experience pregnancy, I think the attention of pregnancy (if I am being completely honest), and be secure that the child would be mine for life. 

Moving through my grieving process, not many people have a smooth pregnancy, I hate being the centre of attention anywhere outside of my classroom, and once I commit to being a foster carer (pending approval), realistically those kids probably will be stuck with me for life, and if not them, the ones after them. 

That’s not to say there aren’t a few tears leading up to Thursday. Accepting that I will never feel life kick or move in my belly hurts. Knowing I will never understand the pain and trauma of labour and childbirth hurts. Knowing I will never have a child carry my name or resemble me as part of me hurts. 

But such is the path I chose for myself. 

At least I will (fingers crossed) still be able to care for and nurture children, and even put my head in my hands and question why I wanted this so badly on the very bad days, and seriously question it when I realise that my life as I know it, free, is gone. 

Surely they are the true joys of motherhood. 

😜

Our Responsibility To Ourselves

It is important to acknowledge the truth in every moment. It is also important to let go of each moment as it passes. Being wholly present is vital to inner calm and happiness. I think. 

This is difficult to achieve initially, but with perseverance becomes easier. Like everything. Hard work eventually pays off. And we owe it to ourselves to never give up on ourselves. We all deserve fulfilment and happiness. 

I am a happy person. I have moments where it might be difficult or near impossible to recognise that but only because I honour my emotions and the things that impact my happiness. I also know how to process them to resolve them. These days. 

At my core, I am happy. Blissfully. I lead an amazing life. And it continues to get better. 

Given a choice between life and death there is no contention about which I would choose.

But this hasn’t always been the case. 

I spent a lot of my youthful years craving escape from life. I am very grateful and feel very blessed that that craving was never indulged. 

Life isn’t easy but it is very precious. The harder we experience it the more blessings we ultimately have. I think. Life is never perfect but it can be exceptional, and there can be many, many perfect moments. It truly is a blessing. 

But one that we are responsible in creating. 

If you aren’t happy, work out why, and fix it. 

If you aren’t fulfilled, what is it that you are longing for. Create it. 

If you are longing for your life to be different, muster the courage and change it. 

It is your life. 

Live it your way. 

That is your responsibility to yourself. 

Be the best and the happiest that you can be. 

Why else are we here.