Just when I think I have nothing to say.
I am alright even if what follows makes it seem like I am not. I really am. I have a core of peace and understanding and acceptance that I rely on in times like this. And really, I truly am just acknowledging the moment.
And the moment is today.
And this is partly about the ‘what ifs’.
Had I conceived last cycle, my baby would be due today. No pun intended but I’m not labouring the point, merely acknowledging it.
Some may ask why. Hard to explain that one. With each of my cycles/attempts I would plot the due date and mark it on my calendar, and with each negative result, I would spend some time looking at it before deleting it. I deleted today from my calendar only a few months ago. And only after I accidentally stumbled upon it and remembered. But it stayed in my head.
Maybe because it was my last try.
My mood remembered it before my brain this week. I’ve been niggly with no patience. Unusual for me. These days I am usually fairly even tempered.
This whole fertility thing makes no sense to me. I was talking to a close friend this afternoon, both of us in tears, questioning how some people just fall pregnant and others don’t. She has a few friends struggling with conception as do I. Good people who would make exceptional parents. And every day we are confronted with kids with parents who are absolutely clueless when it comes to parenting.
We just shook our heads. It makes no sense.
I am grateful for everything that I have in my life. I know that I am loved and respected. I know that I have a great life. I don’t question or minimise any of that. But as I said to Jane today, not trying earlier will always be a regret. Spending my fertile years raising and supporting other people’s children will always be a regret. I took my fertility for granted. We always think there will be enough time until we struggle and it doesn’t happen easily, or at all.
And whilst people say that fostering and adoption is a possibility, the processes with the potential of more failure are too hard to initiate. Yes, you won’t know unless you try BUT that leap of faith was expelled through IVF for me. And so I shouldn’t whinge, I know. But I’m not, I really am just acknowledging a hurt heart … just for today.
And not just mine. The hurt hearts that belong to so many women I know. Today I honour their journeys, hoping and praying that soon they will hold their babies tightly in their arms.