Every month as my period comes and goes I remember my miscarriage and the futility of my period. I will until menopause and I am sure that after menopause other triggers will take my period’s place.
But I’m alright. I acknowledge my childlessness, even though I desperately wanted a different result, and I keep moving forward. Happily. Now. At first the happily was more a fake it til you make it kind of happily. Now it’s real.
This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the longing to be a mother. I do.
It doesn’t mean I can get rid of the baby clothes, toys and books I bought. They are still wrapped in plastic, just like Laura Palmer, waiting for their day and the mystery to unravel. But I do not know which box they are in. And that’s a positive.
It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes cry, and it doesn’t mean I can look at other people’s kids and hear about pregnancies without dying inside.
I still feel pain.
But I also feel like I am me again. I can be light in my soul and not feel guilt or the heaviness of grief. I am not who I used to be, and after years of ongoing grief, I can finally say that I am an improved version of who I was. I am stronger, more resilient, and significantly more at peace.
After all, I had a dream and I found the courage to pursue it amidst much failure. I didn’t give up and I did all I could do at each time. In retrospect I could have done more but it wasn’t in me at the time. And I am okay with that.
So I have survived IVF. My weight and the yoyo eating I opted for seems to be ‘surviving’ too but hopefully I will kill that survival off soon lol.
And I am also thriving. Interesting that at first I wrote, “But I am also thriving” … Hmmm. Food for thought there (take note, an unnecessary food reference right there).
Meditation has strengthened my core. Spiritually. I can only dream of washboard abs lol. Acknowledging things for what they are has helped. Not expecting anything has yielded abundance. And physically decluttering my space and ultimately moving has shifted my perspective.
I am happy. I see a future. A rich future. Ahead of me, for me.
As Banksy says, “There is always hope.”