Many of you read a post that I wrote a few months ago. I spoke about feeling that throughout my infertility process a part of me had died and I feared I would never be the same again. This is still true. But on a more positive note, I feel like I am on the other side of my grief regarding my inability to conceive and carry a child to term.
I do not apologise for the darker moments that I have shared because they are integral moments in a long journey that has lead me to here. The moments of darkness, of extreme pain, of disconnection in life, form parts of the journeys we all undertake. Without extreme pain we cannot experience extreme happiness. Without loss we cannot appreciate what we do have.
I am blessed to be alive, to be independent, and to have enough. There are many things I do not have that I will work towards, but at the moment what I do have is enough.
This is all over the place – it wrote more fluently in my head lol.
The last week or so has seen a real zen like state take me over. I feel that I am at my strongest again. I want to attempt to share how I arrived at this point. A lot of the feedback I receive thanks me for my honesty. I am so grateful that I can write and that I can share; service to others is vital to happiness. Even when it is unintentional and selfishly motivated ;-).
About six weeks ago I was informed that the house I rent was going to be sold. I have lived here for eight and a half years (the longest I have ever lived anywhere) and it has been my home through my maturation as a person (yep, I am almost mature now). I was calm initially then just sobbed. I didn’t want more change just now and I knew that my infertility treatments were made possible by spending my deposit for a home and then some personal loans. I also knew that most landlords and real estates do not permit pets, and at forty four I wanted to live somewhere nice.
I reached out to my immediate family for any support that they could offer. Unfortunately, for a multitude of legitimate reasons, none were able to help at this time. But the process has helped me.
Prior to speaking to my landlord I had been up and down about accepting my sister’s offer of egg donation. I was at peace with the child not developing from one of my eggs but the expense was terrifying me. Already in debt, minimal savings, I didn’t feel secure that this would be the right financial decision.
The phone call from my landlord forced the decision. Regardless of what came next, spending more money on fertility treatments was not to be my path. Having a roof over my head became more important and I have been able to let go (almost) of my dream to be a mother. To the extent that I was able to support a friend through her own IVF process (with a successful pregnancy resulting) and another through her own fertility issues with minimal pain.
That phone call became a catalyst for change. And for revision of my life’s goals.
Today, I found a place to rent. And when I say I found it, I didn’t. It was offered to me. I will have a roof over my head. My pets (my family) are welcome there (as they have been here). I will save like crazy to raise the funds for a deposit and I will own my own home. In time.
Without change being imposed upon me, I am not sure I would be where I currently am.
Without accepting the change (after a couple of tantrums – just ask my mum), I am not sure I would be where I currently am.
I reached a point where I realised I needed to trust that everything was happening the way it was meant to happen.
I do believe that we are all here for a reason. Sometimes the reason evades us, or makes no sense, but I still believe.
I have some beautiful friends. They aren’t always who I want them to be for me (as I am sure I am not to them) but I still love them. Some of them surpass my expectations because they are cut from the same cloth, and I am blessed that many of the people I work with, I adore. I feel like I want to mention them all by name but how boring for you all.
I have accepted that when I have few expectations, except that everything is as it should be, I am generally happier. Without pain and grief I would not know the depth of happiness and fulfilment. Without every step on my journey I would not be where I currently find myself.
Faith is important. Trust is important. If you find that through religion that is great. If it is through sport, fine. If it is through politics, great. But wherever it is you find it, make sure you hold on tight in the bad moments/months/years to it … it really will pull you through and keep you here.
Thank you for reading, for giving my musings an audience, and ultimately, a purpose.