Mixed Moments

Warning: potentially a negative post.

I burst into tears this morning at work during Roll Call. Yep. Flood of tears. Could not stop. And all day at the mention of the F word, the tears would start again.

I had an empowering day yesterday. Not quite as much today, within myself that is. I generally post the highs and the inspirational moments so this is my tribute to balance and to my frail humanity.

It is okay to have bad moments, bad days, bad months, bad years. As long as they don’t completely define us by eclipsing our beauty.

So one of my friends at work (friends in life too) said something completely reasonable to me and all I heard was the F word.

Failure.

I had put her in a position whereby the result was that I had failed her. And my response was to – quite uncharacteristically – burst into tears. And they wouldn’t stop. My ego tried to fight the situation but I shushed it when I realised I was hurt because I felt that I had failed her. And the tears kept streaming.

Throughout the course of the day I processed the situation and realised that this year my perception is that I am failing. Well, not my perception but it would appear that the perception of others, from my perspective, is that I am failing.

There has been a string of emails, conversations, comments, that all point to me not doing something I was supposed to do (even though I have done the things or they are not my responsibility to do). As individual incidents it is all okay. As a whole though, the negativity is hurting my heart.

Breaking my heart.

I love my job. I love my colleagues. I love my kids.

What if that isn’t enough to balance out the negative voices and the politics and the bad energy.

Being sick last week and away for three days I have come back to a LOT of love from the kids.

Year 8 needed to share stories with me today and were so excited. When I asked them why they were so excited they told me that they had missed me, and at the end of the lesson many stayed back to update me on their lives and one even to show me the research he had been completing on his own and for no reason except that he is engaged, on the Holocaust. We have read Elie Wiesel’s Night.

Year 10 were excitable too and needed to be kids today. A lot of love even though I am mean to them all of the time.

And from Year 11 when I met them at the door, the looks of concern, the quiet questions, the support (my first class straight after the waterfall of tears and unfortunately my face goes red and eyes puff up almost immediately), the need to make me laugh.

I’m obviously not failing here.

Why do the negative voices so often drown out the positive and the loving voices? And I know better. I’m smart – intellectually and emotionally. Or maybe I’m not.

I really am a hippie at heart. I wish we could all walk barefoot, hand in hand, singing and laughing quietly with flowers in our hair and love in our hearts.

Hugs instead of hurt. Compassion instead of ego. Smiles instead of tears.

But not at the moment. My place is sad. People are hurting. Life can be cruel.

I am alright. I feel then I rationalise and then I plan so that I can enact change … But it’s tiring work and constant, and sometimes it’s okay to say “I can’t do it today.”

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19 thoughts on “Mixed Moments

  1. And remember “not my circus, not my monkeys”. This is my new saying for people who try and blame me or off load their problems on me. I take control of the things in my control and that are part of my job and leave the rest of the circus to averyone else. Learning not to feel guilty us the hardest part. You can’t fix or help everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Unfortunately the smartest of people feel the darkness. I know, I’ve been there. But if we didn’t see the darkness, we wouldn’t see the light. You’re not a failure. I know you have inspired many people, including yours truly. I hope you can keep those negative thoughts at bay. I know how hard it is. I’m currently fighting mine on a day to day basis.

    Much love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is so true. And I agree wholeheartedly. I cried a lot last night after posting; amazingly cathartic to get it all out. At some point in the early hours of this morning, after tossing and turning for hours, I decided to get up and force a different attitude on myself today. I think extreme tiredness helped lol. The day was good. Rebuilding and reconnecting. But I think we are entitled to have the bad days and run of bad days and be honest in talking about it. Takes some of the sting of isolation away. Much love to you Kerrin! We will keep battling our demons and trust me, we start winning in time and there are infinitely more good days than bad. Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are loved in every class you walk into, especially by a certain class in year 8 last year. We looked forward to having you each day and hearing your stories and your caring voice and knowing that we could always go to you if we needed help as I have done on many occasions. Failure isn’t measured in how many successes you havent had, but how many times you have fallen down and not picked yourself up, only then have you truly failed. #surelymyidentityisblown

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! And I miss you guys – you inspired me to want to be the very best teacher in the world so I kept trying to get better. That magic between teacher and students is rare. I am blessed that I have had strong relationships consistently but only one other class inspired me like that.

      You need to practice what you preach re: failure. Apply it to her. Be patient. You will succeed. You will find happiness and fulfillment. ❤️ I hope you are who I think you are because I imagine I’m replying to you lol.

      Like

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