So I made and followed through with some decisions today. I will work four days a week for the next two terms and I am going to go to New York in July.
And as a result of just deciding to do something different I am starting to feel alive again. My two decisions are at odds with one another. I don’t have the money to go to New York and dropping my days of work reduces my income but so what, where there is will there is a way 😳 or so I am hoping.
And funnily, today when I woke up, I liked my face again. I saw the pretty coming back.
I was scared to approach my boss, a very caring man, and when I say scared I mean terrified. I fought back tears several times. Fear really has held onto me. I think constant failure at conception has resulted in me not believing in myself at all, and as a result, in the last six or so weeks, not liking myself very much.
So after listening to Liz Gilbert yesterday in conversation with her fears, and giving them a seat on the journey but no voice and definitely no vote, I had a similar conversation with my fear today. I told my fear that I knew it was there but I had to ignore it because if I listened to it and failed to fight for my self, only disaster would come; I may as well be burned because I wouldn’t really be living. And I’ve never just wanted to exist.
And so, I moved beyond my fear. And now I will start working four days a week next term for two terms, writing on the fifth day, and in the middle of it I will manage to accrue funds to go to New York.
Reclamation of the self.
Thank you Liz.