Meandering Through The Maze

I sigh.

I wasn’t sure whether to use the metaphor of a maze or a roller coaster but decided on the maze because I liked the alliteration with meandering.

I love that word – meandering. It’s connotation is calm, peaceful, slow, enjoyable. Just being where you are and moving at your pace. Contrast that to a maze – almost a sense of panic at not knowing which way to go but knowing eventually you will get out or die trying.

Yep. I love this title. Really sums up where I am on my baby pursuit.

For the most part I don’t really think about it consciously but it’s always there, just lingering.

I think inside my head a lot. I can’t find voice for most of the thoughts regarding this. I’m sort of in limbo. And I sort of think I might be too old, too selfish, too stuck. But then I think that those words might just be trying to soothe me in my childlessness.

Max, my almost two and a half year old dog, is sick. On Monday morning he woke just after three in the morning vomiting – a horrible sound. I comforted him, cleaned up the mess, and just stayed with him, sleepless, until morning and work beckoned. I worried about him all day. Mum, thankfully, called in to see how he was and to let me know he was doing okay and that he was alive (drama queen that I am). And I was exhausted but so happy in that – this might be what it’s like to be a mum, to have a baby/child.

Is Max enough? Are Max and Molly (my cat) enough? Are my nieces and nephews enough?

I just don’t know.

Hence, meandering through the maze.

I sigh.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s