The Loss of the Possibility

After infertility and miscarriage life goes on. You can still be truly and wholly happy. But for me there will always be moments. I imagine this is so for all of us who have suffered the struggle of infertility and the pain of miscarriage. As I have said before, it changes something in the core of you and you are never the same again.

My inspiration, Sonia Kruger, had her baby girl. I am so so happy for her. I have followed Sonia’s journey because it resembled mine so closely. I truly am so happy for her.

I spent time with my beautiful nieces and adorable nephews today. Enough said.

And I just finished watching a movie that I knew would trigger emotion for me about stillbirth called Return to Zero and starring Minnie Driver (amazing performance). And an amazing script. A film that I think every adult human should have to watch.

We all do what we believe is the right thing to do and it so often misses the mark. It isn’t ill intentioned but it does hurt. This movie offers support for people who have to ‘deal’ with someone in a no child situation, for whatever reason, when the person desires children.

And man I cried, sobbed in places. And I had to ask myself why I would do this to myself. I knew it would make me messy. But I also felt compelled to watch.

And then I worked it out.

Watching it gives me permission to cry and to feel. An opportunity to acknowledge what has been lost for me, through infertility and that lone miscarriage that could have developed into my baby, my child, my offspring. But didn’t.

And it is such a taboo subject in society. Even amongst women. And that is just so sad.

Well intentioned phrases like ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘it’ll happen for you if it’s meant to’ and ‘you need to get professional help’ when you express your pain just make you want to scream at people.

Yes, everything happens for a reason and everything happens in the way and when it is supposed to but fuck! i don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to know that you think I need professional help because I really just need friends to listen and to invite me to talk about it.

And I am far from alone on this.

I am good. I am strong and I am resilient. I am very blessed in my life and I have choices. I know all of this and I know it to be true.

But when I did need people … Well … Enough said.

Anyway, it was a great movie and I now feel lighter lol and that is good.

8 thoughts on “The Loss of the Possibility

  1. Very proud of you! I may be one of your students but you can always talk to me!
    My mum went through the same thing and ended up with me!

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  2. It’s really touching to hear what you are going through. And what most people would take for granted.
    It’s really inspiring to know even though you have went through this you have come out on top. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to write how you are feeling but just remember that by doing that you may help someone else going through a similar situation or maybe even someone who is contemplating abortion. Either way your words are powerful and allowing yourself permission to cry or to do whatever you need to to get through this is the best thing you can do. Anyway I just wanted to share what I thought and I hope you keep writing even if to reach out to someone going through something similar x

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    • Thank you. That’s exactly why i am writing it down. It can be a lonely journey but i think im stronger and generally happier because i an writing it down. I often debate with myself whether I should write it unedited but i figure there is nothing wrong with emotion. And if it does help someone to feel less alone or someone else to help a friend through it, it has to be worthwhile. Thank you for commenting and for caring 😉

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  3. Things mean so much more when they a raw and unedited. You shouldn’t have to edit anything and if it offends anyone so be it, it’s how you’re feeling and that’s ok.
    A friend at work was in a similar situation undergoing multiple unsuccessful ivf’s she kept trying and trying and it was quite emotional for everyone who knew her personally. She and her husband ended up adopting in the end which was also a lengthy process but come to think about it at least that child went into the most loving home i can think of. Anyways keep writing that raw unedited stuff x take care

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