I think the thing I like most about holidays is solitude; I love spending time by myself. I recharge and reevaluate my goals and my desires. Don’t get me wrong, I love catching up with friends too and I always organise catch ups. But on holidays, after time with myself, I really start to really like who I am. Holiday Tina is amazing. She is relaxed, comfortable, reflective, happy, and very, very wise. Perspective comes from solitude. I process events, people, situations, relationships, and life. For everyone. I make resolutions. I persevere with some of them. I know who I am and I am at peace with who I am. I am not busy. Busy-ness hides me. Expectations from others, in times of busy-ness, suffocate me. I never feel free during term. Too many roles and too many masks.
However, this coming term will see me attempt to change this. The ultimate act of solitude (for me) is meditation. I have stopped my conscious practice. This term I will continue practice; it will become a habit and a priority. Interesting that habit came into mind before priority. But I will attend classes and endeavour to find twenty minutes each day to sit, in silence, in my meditation space, which I am yet to create.
To ensure my goals are met I am thoroughly cleaning out my house. I have two kerbside pick ups booked. I think I will be hiring a skip bin too. Everything is going that hasn’t been used in the last two years. And I am downsizing my furniture. I am going to create more open space. Most of my furniture is big and dark wood. Ikea and I are about to become best buddies. I want to create an open but cosy space; inviting and comfortable. I shudder to think of my need to fill empty space but I think my best shot at transforming my life this year comes from starting fresh. My house hasn’t had a thorough re-fresh since I moved in eight years ago. It is time.
By creating space I am literally and figuratively creating space. I am opening my life to the new. Yikes!
I also have a feeling that it is becoming time to start moving away from teaching. Not entirely, but forging a ten year plan and setting smaller goals/milestones within that time needs to become a priority. I yearn for a less hectic and more peaceful life than teaching affords. I do not want to have to be patient with teenagers when I am sixty; I think that if I were still to be teaching then I may end up with state sponsored solitude lol.
I envisage peace and a slower life, a life where holiday Tina exists every day.
I noticed today that I live very near bushland. The irony being that I always say I would like to live near the bush. And yet I never acknowledged that I already do. Funny how we take the things around us so much for granted that in some ways, they cease to exist.
I have booked a reading with a woman in the mountains. I read her blurb and she sounded right. I am hoping that I find a direction from her. Not an answer or definite decisions, just a direction of sorts so that I know I am listening to the right signs in my life. In times of transformation I sometimes struggle to believe what I know for myself. It will be interesting; I will either come home calm or disappointed lol. It will be interesting.
I also need to make a decision regarding my pursuit of children. On this I have no clear sign or energy. I second guess every decision and every choice. I am not entirely comfortable giving my dream up nor am I entirely comfortable pursuing it. It is a difficult path. I do not want to spend money for no result. That money could fund a different pathway and so it is a difficult decision. If money were no object I know what I would do, but we do not live in a world where I am a billionaire … anyone want to sponsor me lol.
If so, I would like to buy property near ocean and near bush and live in a log cabin and spend my days planting, meditating, writing and supporting the growth of others. Not a completely selfish pursuit ;-p.
My thoughts are coagulating … they need time to separate and sort.