So I was doing the dishes and thoughts started to drift into my consciousness, forcing me to look at them. As I have said before, I lacked balance during 2014. I want balance back. The last couple of days have inspired the idea that I need to work out which areas of my life I want to focus on during 2015 to get the balance. My spiritual practice as a witch is right up there and I started to put out the energy to call my teacher to me; I feel that it is time. I am in the process of booking a reading for myself. I have enquired about meditation classes. I am bored by television (a positive sign because lord knows it zaps any motivation/inspiration to actually live your life). And I am reading at the rate of knots. I have planted some herbs and flowers, and am tending to their growth. So I am on the path.
And I got to thinking, what stops this from happening when I am at work. Obviously the answer is me. More specifically my choices and underlying limitations. Last year was a huge year for me professionally; I really came in to my own as a teacher, a mentor and a leader. It was important for me to achieve this level of professional growth so that I could carry the achievement with me into my personal growth. I was focused and committed last year. I knew what I had to achieve and I achieved it. I don’t think I necessarily set tangible goals but I had a constant to do list. And as a result, I did.
I am setting a similar type of to do list for my personal growth this year; the things that I want to have ticked off by the end of 2015. Spiritual growth, healing work, time in nature, all right up there with learning ukulele (a community college course in March should see this one ticked off) and writing my bestseller (yep, all the help in the world needed with this one).
I have been researching courses all afternoon. Trying to find the one thing that ties all of my loose ribbons together, and I can’t find it. I think it is because it all already lies within me. I am a trained educator. I am a trained teacher of meditation. I am a holistic counsellor. I am a Reiki Master. I have dabbled in mediumship and can read the cards (to varying levels of success). I have gained my Master of Arts in Writing. I have the skills and the paperwork to support all of my strands. What I lack is the venture that draws them together. And I lack the vision or the trust or the vehicle to enable me to see my next steps.
But I also fear that when work starts back, I will lose my ability to give myself permission to live my life. The demands on me are significant (mostly in my own head lol). Saying ‘no’ has never been a strength for me; and yes, that is connected to my sense of value (I know I am valuable but for some reason, I still struggle to say no to others). I want to continue to succeed at work but I think I need to draw the line between ensuring my success and enabling the success of others. Mentoring is important to me, I feel that being in service to others is vital for social connection and communal success. However, I need to draw and reinforce the line that I am just one part of the cog and not the entire cog. I need to reestablish myself professionally by empowering others to be confident in their own practice and forging their own paths. Maybe a simple reminder to myself each day will achieve this.
I also need to set work hours. And I need to adhere to them. Rigidly. I think a weekly timetable could ensure the success of this; physically timetabling specific work tasks and personal tasks, and publishing my timetable. This would allow others to see that whilst they are important to me, I have parameters with which to live my own life and they are just one component. I started an appointment system last year. It worked whilst I enforced it. I think that the scheduling of time is important and something I need to focus on. The person in my appointment time will have me completely present during that time, and after that time, I can be present for myself. This should support me to find energy to complete my own personal to do list too.
Funnily, even as I write this, with absolute gusto I assure you, there is that niggling voice in the back of my head telling me that I am being selfish. And whilst I grin as I write this, and admonish that niggling voice, I realise that my sense of self-worth is really the core issue here. I need to wholly accept that I am valuable enough to say no. That I do not live just for the sake of others. That my life and my development is important too.
And I think affirmations can help me with this.