It has been over two months since I said goodbye to ever being a biological mother. But even as I sit here tonight, I question what that even really means. Literally, it means my eggs will not create a child. I understand that; moreso I think it is the saying goodbye part. I haven’t really cried about it. And I’m not sure what that indicates, if it indicates anything, if it even has to.
I am very busy at work. I was always going to be very busy at work this term. I’m not working to avoid grieving. I’m possibly overthinking it all.
What have I learned?
Freeze your eggs if you haven’t met ‘him’ or had kids by 30. Even if you don’t think you will want kids. Freeze them anyway. Fertility expires. Best not to mess with that deadline. And we all change over time. So never say never.
Infertility is a lonely road. Unless you have people in your life that have been through it; that makes it less lonely. Thank you G. And thank you E.
It is important to send flowers to your clinic; to all departments (admin, nursing, doctor, embryologists, etc). Especially when you fail. It pays goodwill forward and lets people know that their work is valued even when the final result is unsuccessful.
It is okay to become a little isolated from everyone around you. And it is okay to feel sad, lost, angry or longing. It is okay if you change friends after your failures; failures (note the plural) denote who has the strength to put up with the pain and with your unpredictability. Helps you to sort out who really will be there for you in the darkest moments of your life.
Finally, I have learned that if I have a back up plan for my back up plan, I smile again genuinely faster after each failure.
It is okay to smile again. To sometimes feel relief that you failed. But to feel sadness more.
And it is okay to say no to invitations as much as it is okay to say yes.