The Ups and the Downs

I should be going into hospital on Wednesday for the Egg Retrieval. I feel positive.

My oestrogen levels are rising as they should if what is currently happening in my vagina is any indication (and it is; I googled). I am grateful for that because the bruising on my thighs and my stomach is somehow worthwhile. Earlier today as I sat on the loo attending to business I was struck by the realisation that I am running out of room to inject; I will have to google injecting through soft tissue damage. I will do that shortly.

I selected the sperm donor last night after a frenetic call to my sister yesterday afternoon to see if I should follow everything the way I did last year (she said yes). Last year I didn’t purchase the advanced package that gives access to photos, audio files and letters; I vowed I would if I fell pregnant. Same will go this time. At this point I know that my first choice has German heritage, weighs 70kg, is 182.88cm tall, has hazel/green eyes (like me) and medium brown hair, studied Political Science, is self-employed, and possesses a high IQ (like that really matters when my intelligence is so phenomenal hehe). The excitement of past times in choosing the donor has completely gone. I haven’t even read through all of the donors like I usually would. This donor was on the first page and I experienced such a strong YES that I ticked his number straight away. I then found two similar donors and then I stopped. I might look some more later. But I am lazy and so it is unlikely.

Anyway, these days I really just want guaranteed sperm that will turn into a baby. With all of our technology I do not understand why someone hasn’t invented it … maybe patriarchy has something to do with it lol. After all if we could invent infallible sperm there really may not be a reason to keep the male gender alive. Please forgive me, it’s the drugs I swear …

So the last week has been difficult. I felt surges of negativity when my body was slow to absorb the drugs and my follicles remained immature and just the uncertainty of it all took me over. It is such a lonely journey. People tend to not want to hear about the hard moments, either because they want positive energy only or because they are scared they won’t know what to say. This can be such a lonely journey at times. It’s hard to explain the tiredness, the negative thoughts, aspects of the experience; struggling with the notion that others might feel burdened or put upon.

I am not sure how women with partners find it, but I imagine even aspects of their journey must be lonely because no one else but them is experiencing the body responses. It is a hard path, not one that I recommend which is why I suggest all women at thirty who do not have children should freeze some of their eggs. Younger eggs are more likely to be healthy, to become embryos, to implant, to grow into a child. Fertility is not something any of us should take for granted.

Like I did.

I just always expected that if I decided I wanted to have kids, I would be able to. Failing has been a struggle for me; it is not something I like doing. I’m not sure that if I knew what I know now when I was younger I would have done anything differently, but I do wish that someone would have told me to look into getting my eggs frozen. We never have a guarantee that our life will follow the path we expect it to. Even now.

I feel that I will cope okay with another failure; I have survived that before.

I am terrified of success lol, as much as I crave it, I haven’t walked that path before. And I am old, stubborn, lazy. An old dog. Willing to learn a new  trick. Praying I will be given the opportunity to do so.

So I am on rest at the moment. I have cancelled most of my social plans. I need to rest. Give my body the opportunity to nurture maturing follicles because one of them will be my baby.

I am struggling with the selfishness required. I feel guilty when I say no. Baggage that really does need to resolve itself. I am sure that it is connected to poor feelings of worth. But I do deserve a baby so I am willing to try the selfishness on. Even though I cringe when I say no or cancel a plan.

As the week progresses I am going to publish a how to guide for friends and family of someone who is going through IVF. My thoughts are all over the place now.

4 thoughts on “The Ups and the Downs

  1. Tina, my thoughts are with you. I hope that this journey ends in the delivery room with a bundle of squish.
    As to injecting, as a sesoned injector myself, I can empathise with you and the struggles to find an in traumatised place to inject, I have found rotating sites helps and by the time you get to the first site in the rotation the old area is ready to accept an injection, even if it is still bruised. There are apps like iinject that help you to keep track of your rotations. Whilst not designed for your issue, you may find they translate still. Best of luck. Xox

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    • Thank you Cherie! I have been rotating but my bruising is colossal and doesn’t heal quickly. It’s ok though I’m finding small spots to put a needle. I hope the journey ends in a delivery room too – fingers crossed 😉

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