The Two Week Wait

My egg retrieval yielded ten follicles. That was the most most follicles I have ever yielded. That made the extra injections very worthwhile.

Seven were decent enough quality to be inseminated. I can’t remember the Donor’s number; I must check with my clinic if I fall pregnant so that I can save his medical records and photos. But I will wait until then.

Four fertilised and looked good.

My embryo transfer was on Saturday morning. Three out of the four were transferred. The fourth had started fragmenting and my doctor didn’t think it would survive the thaw so it was discarded. The three that were transferred were all 8 cell and good quality.

Today, if I am to be pregnant, the blastocyst should be hatching and preparing itself for implantation. Implantation (wow I was about to write ‘will’ rather than ‘should’) should happen over the next three days.

I am on Pregnyl injections every three nights to aid in this process. My period is due Wednesday week and my blood test is on Friday week. Fingers crossed.

And I am resting; not doing very much at all. I am not going to the gym and not really doing anything else much. Every time I move I need a nap lol. Needless to say, tasks are taking time.

My feet are continually warm (warm feet, warm uterus), often up, and I am eating good food mostly. Pineapple and orange juice to start each day. I am listening to and adhering to every old wives tale I have heard lol. I truly feel blessed.

The hardest part is the Pregnyl side effects; every twinge and movement is googled even though I know the answers. There are no guarantees until I get the blood test  result and then it becomes working to hold the pregnancy. So if I am pregnant the work becomes never-ending Рwhy am I doing this again? LOL.

I am currently experiencing lower abdominal pains, twinges every now and again that last for a few minutes. I have googled. It is Pregnyl side effects.

I am not a patient person. Not at all.

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The Ups and the Downs

I should be going into hospital on Wednesday for the Egg Retrieval. I feel positive.

My oestrogen levels are rising as they should if what is currently happening in my vagina is any indication (and it is; I googled). I am grateful for that because the bruising on my thighs and my stomach is somehow worthwhile. Earlier today as I sat on the loo attending to business I was struck by the realisation that I am running out of room to inject; I will have to google injecting through soft tissue damage. I will do that shortly.

I selected the sperm donor last night after a frenetic call to my sister yesterday afternoon to see if I should follow everything the way I did last year (she said yes). Last year I didn’t purchase the advanced package that gives access to photos, audio files and letters; I vowed I would if I fell pregnant. Same will go this time. At this point I know that my first choice has German heritage, weighs 70kg, is 182.88cm tall, has hazel/green eyes (like me) and medium brown hair, studied Political Science, is self-employed, and possesses a high IQ (like that really matters when my intelligence is so phenomenal hehe). The excitement of past times in choosing the donor has completely gone. I haven’t even read through all of the donors like I usually would. This donor was on the first page and I experienced such a strong YES that I ticked his number straight away. I then found two similar donors and then I stopped. I might look some more later. But I am lazy and so it is unlikely.

Anyway, these days I really just want guaranteed sperm that will¬†turn into a baby. With all of our technology I do not understand why someone hasn’t invented it … maybe patriarchy has something to do with it lol. After all if we could invent infallible sperm there really may not be a reason to keep the male gender alive. Please forgive me, it’s the drugs I swear …

So the last week has been difficult. I felt surges of negativity when my body was slow to absorb the drugs and my follicles remained immature and just the uncertainty of it all took me over. It is such a lonely journey. People tend to not want to hear about the hard moments, either because they want positive energy only or because they are scared they won’t know what to say. This can be such a lonely journey at times. It’s hard to explain the tiredness, the negative thoughts, aspects of the experience; struggling with the notion that others might feel burdened or put upon.

I am not sure how women with partners find it, but I imagine even aspects of their journey must be lonely because no one else but them is experiencing the body responses. It is a hard path, not one that I recommend which is why I suggest all women at thirty who do not have children should freeze some of their eggs. Younger eggs are more likely to be healthy, to become embryos, to implant, to grow into a child. Fertility is not something any of us should take for granted.

Like I did.

I just always expected that if I decided I wanted to have kids, I would be able to. Failing has been a struggle for me; it is not something I like doing. I’m not sure that if I knew what I know now when I was younger I would have done anything differently, but I do wish that someone would have told me to look into getting my eggs frozen. We never have a guarantee that our life will follow the path we expect it to. Even now.

I feel that I will cope okay with another failure; I have survived that before.

I am terrified of success lol, as much as I crave it, I haven’t walked that path before. And I am old, stubborn, lazy. An old dog. Willing to learn a new¬† trick. Praying I will be given the opportunity to do so.

So I am on rest at the moment. I have cancelled most of my social plans. I need to rest. Give my body the opportunity to nurture maturing follicles because one of them will be my baby.

I am struggling with the selfishness required. I feel guilty when I say no. Baggage that really does need to resolve itself. I am sure that it is connected to poor feelings of worth. But I do deserve a baby so I am willing to try the selfishness on. Even though I cringe when I say no or cancel a plan.

As the week progresses I am going to publish a how to guide for friends and family of someone who is going through IVF. My thoughts are all over the place now.