Funnily I have struggled to write since my last post. The mean reds really took me over lol. Bastards. I have been processing a lot, and exploring my choices, and setting my own value. That is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
What I mean by setting my own value is making choices that might hurt myself (because they hurt others) and others but that clearly establish for myself, my own worth. My entire life I have given to others, not always selflessly but more often than not it has been. I haven’t expected much back. And that ‘worked’ for me for years. More recently though, like the last twelve months, I have found myself moving towards expecting more from others, especially those I am or have been closest to. I have thought that I am worth their attention, or their support, or their help, even if I still don’t always ask for it.
It is amazing how many people and how many relationships have struggled from that. And it is amazing how much of a bitch I regard myself as I fight for what I believe I deserve. As much as it is difficult, I feel more than okay to be by myself. I know there are a couple of people in my life that I can rely on and that I trust, and then there are many, many more who offer, honestly, to be there.
And I wonder if I needed to learn this before I set forth on my baby journey again. Even though I still grapple with certain situations and forcing myself to value myself in those situations, for the most part I have become stronger at saying no when I need to and asking for what I need.
My bleeding finally stopped.
I have always said that if I say I am never going to do something, I invariably end up doing it. For decades I have vowed I would never use the pill. The pill stopped my bleeding.
This is who I am. Lol.
I am still waiting for it to start but so far it hasn’t and it’s been just under two weeks.
I took the pill for two reasons: to stop my bleeding and so that the fertility clinic can control this next cycle more overtly.
Tonight is my first Lucrin injection. This injection suppresses my normal cycle (whatever that is anymore after 84 days of bleeding). It sets my body up to be controlled by the drugs that will follow, that will hopefully result in a healthy and live birth about eleven months from now. I take the Lucrin and remain on the pill until the 29th August (today is the 23rd). After that I take only the Lucrin until the 3rd September. On the 3rd I have a blood test and my first internal scan to ascertain where my cycle is at, to ensure that the Lucrin has done its job. My life is about to become regimented by injections, blood tests and scans. The injections need to be taken at the same times every day. This means that this is now my priority until I either conceive or don’t. At this point, we are hoping to retrieve my eggs around the 17th September and then transfer the embryos (God willing there are some) on the 20th.
That’s the technical side. I am lucky that I love needles; I love the injections. Lucky too, because there is no one else to do them for me lol.
I picked up my Lucrin injections last Tuesday. It was the first time since starting this journey five years ago, that I drove home excited, barely able to contain myself. It was refreshing.
On Thursday last, I had to have a session with the clinic’s counsellor. I did this over the phone. Linda was lovely. I needed to be updated on the Donor Conception Legislation. More rights for the child; it is good legislation. Throughout the discussion though, I was put into the position of making decisions for my child and at that point, I was happy to transfer myself into the role of mother. After all, I have wanted that for so long now. But towards the end of the conversation, it dawned on me that I am not pregnant and there is a very real chance that I will not be. And I felt overwhelmed by that.
I am still processing it. Thank God for Lauren and Tash who cried with me in the staffroom, as I sat there almost numb.
Such a difficult journey. But I am positive. At least I have tried. There will be no regrets.