Blogs are so self-obsessed but thank god for them. I am struggling. I saw my fertility specialist on Monday. She confirmed my miscarriage. I know it is a positive and that is all I really felt until Monday. Then on Monday I started to feel a sadness. For many reasons.
For the first two days of incessant bleeding I was alone. And had I not bled, I would almost be due.
I start to well up and push the tears back. I’m confused about what to feel and how to feel it. I think that’s why I have a migraine.
Miscarriage is an odd word. Laden with sadness. It’s like it says you’ve mis carried something; carried it the wrong way. And I question my actions. Did I cause it?
And I know that’s dumb. But …
As hard as it is for humans in general to fall pregnant, a lot of people still do.
Being a mother to me is akin to marriage; it is sacred. And it seems that so many women do not respect this. They mistreat their children and disregard them. Teachers deal with the emotional effects every day.
And it makes me question why some are forced to struggle and some even have to abandon this dream, this quest.
I am not the only person I know currently on this journey. The fear associated with not being able to fulfil this yearning is all consuming. And it forces doubt into the mind regarding value and worth as a woman. Even if you are smart enough to know better.
There’s just something wrong with it. People who have a strong desire to be pregnant should be able to be. People who would make great parents, giving their children the necessary time and love, shouldn’t have to struggle so much.
But they do. I do. My friends do.
Self-obsessed I know.