Confusion

Blogs are so self-obsessed but thank god for them. I am struggling. I saw my fertility specialist on Monday. She confirmed my miscarriage. I know it is a positive and that is all I really felt until Monday. Then on Monday I started to feel a sadness. For many reasons.

For the first two days of incessant bleeding I was alone. And had I not bled, I would almost be due.

I start to well up and push the tears back. I’m confused about what to feel and how to feel it. I think that’s why I have a migraine.

Miscarriage is an odd word. Laden with sadness. It’s like it says you’ve mis carried something; carried it the wrong way. And I question my actions. Did I cause it?

And I know that’s dumb. But …

As hard as it is for humans in general to fall pregnant, a lot of people still do.

Being a mother to me is akin to marriage; it is sacred. And it seems that so many women do not respect this. They mistreat their children and disregard them. Teachers deal with the emotional effects every day.

And it makes me question why some are forced to struggle and some even have to abandon this dream, this quest.

I am not the only person I know currently on this journey. The fear associated with not being able to fulfil this yearning is all consuming. And it forces doubt into the mind regarding value and worth as a woman. Even if you are smart enough to know better.

There’s just something wrong with it. People who have a strong desire to be pregnant should be able to be. People who would make great parents, giving their children the necessary time and love, shouldn’t have to struggle so much.

But they do. I do. My friends do.

Sigh.

Self-obsessed I know.

5 thoughts on “Confusion

  1. Blogs are made primarily for self obsessiveness lol. I have wondered in the past what it would be like to have a child, however I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that a child is your own creation, something you created along with someone else, a life. We only get one life, and to be able to create one is an amazing feat. Yet, there are people, like you, who cannot. Life can be cruel sometimes, but that’s just how it is. I do hope that you are somehow able to have your own child.

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  2. Cruel world 😦 That final paragraph was you putting my thoughts into words. Thank you πŸ™‚
    As for “self-obsessed” I honestly don’t think that’s a bad thing. People should be able to write about their feelings without being made to feel guilty so I applaud you for having that courage.

    Anyway, that’s my two cents πŸ™‚ Gonna read some more of your blogs now :p

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  3. I can only imagine how hard this day must have been for u. I for one have not thought about conceiving yet but god knows id love to within two years but for you to have even fallen pregnant and nurtured ur precious gem for as long as u did is a blessing in itself u were right when u said its a positive and hey dont be too disheartened because you have another chance of trying again. The main thing is that u can fall pregnant therefore the possibilities for u are endless. Uv had a setback but u need to let the stress go and focus on letting ur body be at ease so u can try again πŸ™‚ that’s all u can do try again πŸ™‚ I have faith it will workout for u miss πŸ™‚

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