I didn’t expect that I would be quite as nervous as I am leading into tomorrow’s appointment with my fertility specialist. And I am not sure why I am so nervous. Maybe unsettled is a better word. I have decided what I am going to do based on the two things that I may be told. It will either be a yes or a no. And I know that regardless of which it is, I will be okay. I will survive. So why so unsettled.

Maybe it is because I am struggling to stop drinking caffeine.

But I believe in signs and they have been bountiful that I am at least on the right path in going down this path … again.

If I am given the go ahead to try another cycle of IVF, I am prepared for the needles (I love needles), I am prepared for the quiet, I am prepared for the bruising and the ridiculous schedules, I am prepared to make the changes. I am prepared for the failure. Maybe I am not prepared for the success, if that is what comes. Maybe that is why I am feeling unsettled today. After all, after two failed IUDIs and two failed ICSI, I am used to failure, almost comfortable with it.

Maybe the next twenty four hours is just a mini version of the dreaded two week wait, and it literally just is the anxiety of the unknown tormenting me. I am not good with patience. I like being able to organise contingencies. As the time gets closer, I realise that my contingencies are developed, but I have no control at this moment in time. And not knowing, when the time of judgement is so close, is unsettling. Aarghhhhhh. First world problem hey.

Maybe it is because I am still bleeding (Day 64) and have only had one day free of that since it started, and maybe that means the process won’t be as smooth or as easy. Maybe I am worried that this doctor won’t believe my cycle has been cactus since last December’s failure because I miscarried and I am worried that the hope I hold that I could be pregnant will be taken.

Maybe it is because I really don’t like all of these maybes.

No comfort and peace can ever be sought from ‘maybe’.

2 thoughts on “maybe

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