My appointment with the doctor after the blood tests and ultrasound was last Wednesday. The outcome was a referral to a specialist; my doctor could not see anything wrong, nothing he “could pin his hat on”. I made the appointment for yesterday.
I was nervous yesterday. It has been a few years since my last pap smear and whilst everything was normal, well, a few years had passed. And we always think the worst: human nature perhaps. I made it on time to my appointment, filled out the paperwork, passed over my ultrasound, blood results and very detailed referral. Then I passed over my payment (I really am in the wrong profession).
When I was called in, the very lovely specialist looked at the results of everything and asked me to tell my story rather than her reading it. She has a very gentle face and soft manner about her, emanating a sense of positivity, very reassuring.
I told her about my history regarding menstruation and failed IVF attempts. I then filled her in on this year’s highly irregular menstrual patterns, and my most recent never ending 53 day period.
She asked whether I was finished with trying for my own child. I told her I wasn’t sure but that I did have an appointment booked with my fertility specialist to test the waters in a couple of weeks. She smiled: “You have a window here.”
And then: “I think, based on everything, that you miscarried in December. Your body is reacting to that.” And more.
But I was trapped in the idea that my body did fall pregnant; it wasn’t impossible. And then I fell into the reality hole. Oh dear! I had been pregnant. When I thought I was, I actually was. It wasn’t wishful thinking; it was real.
And now I know I am definitely in transition. I do not know where my life and subsequent choices are heading. My emotions are bubbling away under my surface. I have moments when I glimpse them or feel them before I shut them away. I call this processing. What else can it be.
All I know for sure right now, is that this journey isn’t yet complete; there is some life still in it. And I don’t know what to feel or how to feel beyond trusting that I am on the path that I am meant to be on. Regardless of where it leads. Or ends.