Suffragette

We have the right and responsibility to vote. But, I am not sure we have equality. 

We are still shackled by patriarchy. 

We must look a certain way or we are dismissed. 

We must behave a certain way or we are beaten, slut shamed, dismissed. 

We must still do as we are told, all under the illusion/delusion of freedom. 

I don’t think we were meant to stop fighting. But we did. We believed we had achieved equality and we dropped the fight. As a result, society is moving backwards. 

Young girls are sexually violated; the toys of men who make no attempt to control their animal urges. Young boys, too, violated to be controlled; the way to ensure the gender stereotypes.

Young women are raped, controlled, beaten; subjected to humiliation and degradation through music video clips and foul lyrics, their intelligence undermined by the social need to belong by not rocking the boat. Treated as sexual exploits by men who do not know themselves, and make no attempt to resolve their own inadequacies. 

Older women are ignored, dismissed, non-existent, unless they are sexually desirable. Only then are they seen, but only as a sexual toy, to serve the pleasure of men. 

We had a female PM. Mainstream media ridiculed her, reduced her, denied her. She was “barren”, “unmarried” and “big bottomed”. Her partner was demeaned, his masculinity questioned. The people bought into this rubbish. She was never judged by her merits, just her appearance and lack of sexual desirability. 

Teenage girls believe they must look a certain way, behave a certain way, think (or not think) a certain way, to be desirable, to be accepted, to be okay. 

To succeed. 

As what. Hmmm. 

We still have to fight harder to be heard and to be taken seriously. Society functions following male rules, male justice, male reasoning. Facebook refuses to block users that demean women with a voice. Social media perpetuates the mysogynistic fabric of our society. 

We have forgotten the women who came before us, those who started the fight for equality, and as a result, we have compromised their success. 

Feminist has become a dirty word and women shy away from describing themselves as one. 

Devastating. 

There is nothing wrong or dirty or less than in being a female. Nothing wrong at all. 

Embracing the Path

There is a profound freedom in walking a path and after turmoil, experiencing the freedom that comes with acceptance. 

I am finally there. 

My childhood abuse, my infertility, my frustrations with my employer. Freedom. Acceptance of what each is, acceptance that this is my path, acceptance that all I can control is the present moment. Losing the desire to control more. A life long journey. 

At 45, almost 50 (😉), I feel like my uninhibited but much wiser life is commencing. I am embracing me. My me. I still can’t accept compliments graciously, maybe in time, and I’m okay with that. I feel free. And happy. 

All is as it should be. 

Institutions That Bind 

It’s been a while. The power of the institution has eclipsed me and I have felt bound. I am currently loosening the ties. 

However, yesterday a sportsperson has found themselves in a world of trouble for associating with an ex footballer, now known for their membership in a bikie gang and facing prosecution for crime. The sportsperson hasn’t commented at this point. What could they possibly say?

I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to choose my own friends even though I’m an adult. Or, perceptions are more important than reality or truth. Or, because of my community profile I’m not a person permitted the same freedoms as others. 

I don’t know the context of their relationship. I also don’t care, as long as no one is being directly hurt by it. If Haynes’ friend is a criminal, well, our justice system will take care of that. 

I do not understand why the institution of public scrutiny is given the power it has. It is absolutely ridiculous. People should be permitted to live their own lives, free from institutional intrusion, as long as they are not compromising the rights of others. This higher level of accountability and scrutiny is absolutely ludicrous. 

The binds of the institution likewise. 

For most of this year (seven months almost), I have felt bound. A circumstance I find myself in has changed me. It has instructed me to be someone I am not. It has forced me to question every choice that I have ever made. I do not walk this earth freely as a result. And I am filled with irrational fear and anxiety. 

And that is attracting like energy. I find myself feeling shame, feeling guilt, feeling fear. I second guess almost every decision, choice, action. I have silenced and castrated myself. Not a healthy way to live. 

But, the institutions of our society have power. It isn’t real power. I still have free will. Fear represses the urge to manifest it. 

I think it is similar to how victims/survivors of bullying, abuse, violence, addiction feel. That loss of freedom and trust in the self. 

I am moving through this. My core essence is still with me. The witch is trusting that magick will win. After all, persecution is not new here. This is not the first time she has felt silenced. But, this will be the last time. 

Some of our institutions have passed their usefulness. In this day and age, in this western world, we can choose freedom. It just means sacrifice. I am now preparing myself for that. 

New paths await. My soul is singing to soar. I will not disappoint it. 

Who’d Have Thunk It đŸ˜œ

I’ve just completed my first webinar course. I enjoyed it. Like, really enjoyed it. And I think I’m ready to start writing an online course. My writing to heal course but online. 

Overwhelmed a little but immensely excited. I am thinking of doing her Courses That Convert course to actually write it. I need to make some adjustments but I think I can make it work. 

Anyone that has known me for a long time knows that technology is not my strong suit nor a direction I ever really wanted my life to go in. And here I am anyway.

Never say never, Tina. 

Aaaaand no I won’t be signing up for her course. It costs $997. Oh my. I think I’ll take the longer road and work it out for myself. It can’t be that hard (famous last words). My course won’t be that much. 

What a revolutionary world. 

A Return 

On Wednesday something shifted in me. It’s like I gave myself permission to start to feel alright. It was my first day back at work after five days away, I caught up with a good friend for dinner, and I felt myself release something. 

It continued on Thursday, and even though it was a feral day with only two of the five of us in at work, I felt an inner calm within me, and I smiled heartily for most of the day. I went dress shopping after school and whilst I didn’t buy anything, I ran into several people I haven’t seen in a very long time, and my heart continued to smile. An impossible yoga class that night stretched out a few kinks. 

On Friday, for the most part, I continued to feel really good. Something in me has shifted. 

A situation that has been plaguing me for six months looks like it might be coming to an end but it’s more than that. I think that I have started to understand the lessons that were intended from that very dark situation. 

The situation has forced me to be more empowered. I think it has forced me to start to say no and to believe that I am worth much more than I have behaved. It’s like I have started to realise my own power and my own worth, at the same time. 

And, as a result, I’m not tolerating the things that people say and do, that minimise me, any more. I’m fighting for me. It’s not to say other people aren’t worth as much, they obviously are, but I’ve never thought I was worth very much, even though I knew I was, if that makes sense. I could try to explain that but I think you’ll get it if you’ve been there, are there, or think you might be there. 

I’ve also realised that I have started to accept more responsibility for fixing/controlling/resolving this. 

I feel light. Hopeful. Blissfully content. Exceptionally grateful. Not for the entirety of the catalyst that brought me here; it’s still too fresh, too raw, but for the experience in principle. 

And I’m stepping out of my comfort zone more. 

Yesterday I ventured into Sydney to catch up with some of the girls I went to school with. I was nervous. It has been twenty eight years since I saw some of the girls. And some of them were there in my life during my darkest days as a child, and they provided refuge, light and safety. So I felt nervous. 

I broke contact when I started uni hours away from home, and started to unravel all of the threads of my childhood. A new life was created and I left behind aspects of my old life. 

Yesterday though, after the nervous start, I felt a sense of wholeness descend to wrap me in its arms and take me home. What a wonderful experience. K and I didn’t get home until 9.30pm. We left just after 8. I could have stayed for hours more. These girls are home. My home. 

I arrived home on a high. I’m still in that wave of deep connection. And I’m so grateful. I feel whole and settled, for the first time in a long time. I see my life clearly. And I see the need to integrate the old with the beautiful people I have in my life now. 

My ability to commit to people was taught by the Hayes family, every single one of them through very diverse individual relationships. Since meeting them, especially from the lessons Karyn and I have learnt together, I became able to commit. To learn what it was, what it meant, and how it provides a stability. 

And throughout the years since meeting them I have enabled people to move freely in and out of my life as life wishes it. Without them losing me, or me losing them. And now, people from all periods of my life are present in my life. 

A very long time ago now another person who will always be dear to me passed around a sentiment about friendship and people that C echoed yesterday as we sat in the pub. People enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

I feel very blessed that within the last year, a lot of my seasons have reentered my life and reconnected with me, and I feel have become lifetime friends because they will always be in my heart first and foremost, but in some way present in my life. 

Today I wake up wholly happy, with a renewed lust for life, in all of its uncertainty and with all of its complications. And today, I start to say goodbye to the horrid last six months, and thank them for teaching me that life is short, I am valuable, and that I deserve the very best that life can give me. 

But I also know that I am the one that needs to make it happen through my choices and my action. Because I deserve it. 

So do you. 

❀

Forcing Necessary Change

Like most weekends, I have a monumental amount of work to do for work. I also have my study. What is different to most weekends this weekend, is that I am forcing some balance back. 

And it isn’t easy. 

But I haven’t been happy. I’ve had one illness after another, all minor but have rendered me useless for life. Close to three weeks over and beyond the last holidays I was sick. 

There had been no balance prior to that time which left me fatigued and stressed, resulting in an emotional break, forcing my body to evict months of stress. 

I am not sure who said it, but they were right: you can’t expect different results without changing what you’re doing. So, I am attending a High Tea in Sydney with girls I went to school with. Most I haven’t seen in twenty eight years. 

Yep. We are that old. We have lived that much life. And I’m a bit excited. I’m looking forward to the drive in with K. And I’m looking forward to seeing faces that helped raise me. I’m a little scared but only because … Well, because that’s who I am. 

Forcing the change. If I want balance I have to get used to things not being done immediately and possibly, eeeek, not being the perfectionist I always strive to be in matters related to work and study. 

This will be interesting …

Wish me luck đŸ™đŸ»

Today

Today, on my drive home, I noticed that the days are getting longer. Shades of pink rested on the horizon embraced by shades of blue. Mystical. Traffic was too dense to stop and take a photo. But I felt my energy shift and my heart smiled. 

Spring is coming. 

And it brings warmth, light and hope. 

And after the darkest winter of my life, I am excited. 

Longer days. More light to live by. More time to breathe deeply. 

Yes, the days are becoming longer. 

I smile. 

Email Inboxes 

Going through a bit of a tumultuous transition at the moment – interesting impact on my sense of self. Well, that probably isn’t correct – me working out how to be me in a system that works against my core beliefs is probably more accurate. 

Anyway, have been feeling burdened by tasks not completed, choices not embraced, etcetera etcetera. So, yesterday and today I have spent some time, in bursts, cleaning and sorting my various email inboxes. 

Therapy to the max. 

If you feel you have little to no control, do yourself a favour, clean and sort your emails. 

Wow! 

Transition Time

As you all know, I’m a firm believer in signs. The signs in my life point towards a different path for me. As you all also know, I’m a bit of a chicken lol. 

I’m spending my weekend plotting my future. When I was younger, I would just jump and have faith. These days, I have the faith that I will be okay but am scared to jump. 

The big decision focuses on next year, and whether I request to become part time or take leave without pay and apply to schools for casual work. 

I do know that I yearn for a different quality of life. I want some control over the hours that I work. I need to have time when I am not tired or working to catch up with friends and family, and to have a healthier work life balance. 

My first assignment in my Masters in Holistic Counseling focuses on the role of cells in our health. Ultimately, stress in the environment impacts our health significantly. Teaching today, for me, is frenetic and as a result, stressful. Add to that parent complaints and growing accountability with regards to admin duties and it isn’t what I want my life to look like. 

I need to, and have, given myself permission to live a peaceful and quietly successful life, still empowering others to be their best selves living their best lives, but not the way I have been.

And that is okay. 

I trust that all will be okay. 

What is normal? 

Offspring is one of my favourite shows and nothing can break my heart so easily. Tonight has raised a grief so deep that I am surprised by its depth. 

I’m going through something, some type of transition in my life, that will completely turn my world upside down. I’m okay with that. But it would appear that a part of it includes grieving over my childlessness that little bit more. 

And man, that’s hard. 

I am okay with my life without children. I’ve created something, or am creating something, separate to that. 

But a deep part of me cannot let go of the sadness that sings inside my soul every time someone falls pregnant, or gives birth, or celebrates their children. 

These are things I will never have, never know. When I die, that is it. There will be no child to mourn my passing or to carry my line. As I age, there will be no one to put me in a home, or to share their home with me. I don’t have, and won’t have, the magical Christmases with excited kids rushing to the tree after Santa has been. I won’t coach their soccer team. Or go to boring school presentations, assemblies, performances. 

I am it. That is all there is. 

And tonight the grief has taken over. Another thing I couldn’t control. Another reminder I don’t belong. I’m not normal. And I won’t ever be.