Insight

Yesterday, after yoga and then coming home, mowing the lawn and potting some seedlings, I walked around my house, closing blinds, and talking to my pets, dutifully following me.

They were listening intently, heads turning from side to side, eyes consciously concentrating, as I repeated, We are so blessed to live this wonderful life. I am so grateful for everything we have and everything we do. How lucky are we that on such a beautiful day we could spend it outside doing things we love.

Repeatedly. My heart sings more consistently now than it ever has.

I trust the flow of life. I take opportunities. I trust the signs. I am always moving forward.

I love it.

I ended up with a migraine lol, but I’m putting that down to a solar storm that I read about on Facebook 😉🙏🏻

It all comes down to a little courage, a little trust and a choice. When we are living consciously and doing the work that fills our soul, we become healthy and happy. Try it 😜

One of us

I was working with one of my kids tonight, and it really struck me how each and every one of us, when we are being authentic and standing in our truth, just by being changes and inspires and impacts those around us.

From there, I was thinking it isn’t really that hard to change the world. We all just need to be courageous and be who we truly are and stand in our truth and let our individual lights shine.

World changed. People inspired.

It really is as simple as us all choosing that.

I love Spring. It is hopeful. Always.

What Happens When We Let Go

I left teaching seven weeks ago. I haven’t looked back. I was past my ‘best before’ date and I knew it. I still have a hundred percent in the classroom, but I wasn’t as motivated outside of it. Probably because I was running a business outside of school hours and all day Saturday; there was no time.

I am now working seven days a week. I’m knackered lol. I’m blissfully happy too. I’m growing my business and creating new pathways for myself; I am living my dream. Did I mention, I’m exhausted. Lol.

The last couple of weeks has been bizarre.

I was first contacted by an ex-colleague who has offered me the opportunity to run a stress relief, mindfulness and meditation session for Year 7 students at her school. Yes, please, thank you. Humbled and initially terrified, I accepted. Of course I can do this 😳.

After saying YES, the universe realised I was willing to accept opportunities and was serious about not going back to teaching in a school.

I was then contacted by an ex-student from another lifetime altogether and asked if I was interested in running meditation/healing in his centre.

Yes, please.

From that meeting, a whole other new opportunity emerged to work with the Department of Housing, developing and implementing programs to support the empowerment of women. Oh my. It’s still sinking in. That was the end goal of my business; it’s come ten years early.

Yes, please.

And, then, realising that what they want is just who I am. No bells or whistles, just what I do every day being me.

What a gift. I am beyond grateful. It is amazing what transpires and manifests when you just let go …

Let go of everything that no longer serves you, of everything that does not bring you happiness and joy, of everything that no longer fits … and you create openings and space for everything that you do want, to come in.

It’s a process, but man, such a worthwhile one.

The Universe Does Conspire 🙏🏻

Beautiful moments. I left teaching with a little bit of a plan. I wanted to grow my businesses so that I could live comfortably and easily and happily without my teaching income. I wanted to thrive, but I needed to take my foot off the bridge.

Doing that, jumping from everything you know into a world you don’t know, is terrifying. But, when you really think about it, you can always return to something you do know. I am so happy I found the courage to jump, to try a new path.

Six weeks on, I don’t miss school teaching. I miss some of the staff and I miss the kids, but I don’t miss the internal politics of institutions, the games, the small mindedness, and the competition.

For me, I realise how much I allowed the institution to keep me small. It’s interesting that as my sense of self-worth improved, my ability to fit the institution’s model diminished. This is for me; I am not applying that epiphany to anyone else’s journey.

My businesses are growing. My tutoring business is at capacity – stretched beyond really – and the healing business is morphing slowly. I’m okay with that.

More importantly, I love waking up every day, excited for what the day might bring. I love working again, and I never feel a sense of dread. I am still surrounded by love and am still developing deep rapport with people I meet. And, I’m beginning to be able to celebrate who I am as a person.

I’m fierce. So capable. And, just so very blessed to be living and creating this life.

I put to the universe that I was ready to fulfil my mission here, and slowly I’m receiving opportunities to run healing/meditation groups and sessions for kids. I always think to myself initially that I’m not good enough and then I shake that off, and say, Yes, I can and I am more than good enough.

My warrior spirit kicks in and I acknowledge the residual pangs of self-doubt and then I jump in. It’s becoming easier to say yes and it’s becoming easier to stand in my truth all of the time. There are no games here. No politics. No staying small.

Jumping ship, starting something new, breathing deeply and living in the present moment, is an amazing journey. I’m so grateful for absolutely everything in my life to this point, for without all of it, I wouldn’t be standing here.

Trusting the Flow

I’ve attended every yoga class this term. That’s a minor miracle for me. Usually, by now, I would have become sick.

Not this term.

I’ve meditated almost every night. As a result, my deep sleep percentage is rising. I also have more energy every day.

This week, after Sunday’s minor implosion with massive purging, my perspectives have shifted. It’s like I shook off everything that has been holding me back. Sunday was hard, but needed to happen.

I woke on Monday, liberated. An easiness in my steps with a singing heart. I’ve had an amazing week.

I’ve stopped worrying about money. I have minimal stress. I feel fantastic. And the energies are flowing. I’ve loved working and feel so blessed to be creating the life I want to be living.

My business is thriving; my waiting list is surging. My intuition is at full strength and I’m trusting the signs. Ooh, and embracing opportunities.

Because I removed my self-imposed shackles, I am embracing and loving life. I no longer want to be small. I’m ready to shine. I am shining.

I am not controlled by my past or by distorted self- perception. My writing is flowing and my book is writing itself as a result. I’m learning, growing, becoming wholly me in every instant.

I’m not looking back. Eyes are pointing forward whilst my soul is very much present in the moment.

Gratitude.

Battling On

Well, not really battling. I think it’s important to follow up Sunday’s post.

IVF really changed parts of me for a long time, as it is wont to do. I do not regret the journey and I am ultimately grateful for the outcome. Without all of that, I wouldn’t be here. And, here is pretty darn good.

Shedding the emotion on Sunday has empowered and enabled huge steps forwards. I have deleted unnecessary pages I was adminning on Facebook and found an admin for one of my groups that has over three and a half thousand members.

One of my inner circle is continually reminding me that I need to send clear messages to the universe regarding the life I want. Deleting pages and removing myself as admin is sending that energy out there as well as creating space for new things.

I think this is important. It is not enough to just want change. We acting very need to create the space for new things in our often cluttered lives and then we need to actively pursue the new things. Clear messages; clear direction; clear action.

I am also revamping my healing page and my writing page. I have created new promotional material for Akashi Healing. I feel empowered. Inspired. Happy. Peaceful.

Time to Say Goodbye

This is the final weekend of eclipses and marks a new phase for all of us. The last eight months or so have been very unsettled and resolutions will now be seen to manifest. The past is the past, and our presents belong to clean slates.

Wow. I’m struggling even to write this. I’ve been absent from here. I have left teaching and have been establishing new routines and new ways of being. I am happy and significantly less stressed. And, I have started writing the book that my soul has been called to write for at least the last couple of years, if not longer, subconsciously.

Today, though, I needed to say goodbye to my grief about not becoming a birth mother during this incarnation. I will be eternally grateful that those people closest to me have not given up on me. I am still invited to the baby showers of my extended family. Difficult, but I am truly grateful.

I am also grateful that they all fell pregnant after most of my healing had been done, when there is some residual around Baby Showers, but nothing else.

Today, I had to resolve the last part. I didn’t know it before today, even though I had a feeling I wasn’t entirely good, but today I knew for sure.

I have been good with people falling pregnant, being pregnant, having babies. I haven’t been okay with Baby Showers and couldn’t understand why. I figured the actual baby would be more difficult to handle, but no. Not for me.

About three days ago, symptoms of anxiety started to surface. I wasn’t sure I would make it to the Baby Shower today. I kept breathing and talking sense to myself, and I knew in my heart that I needed to make sure I went. People can’t be sympathetic forever, and there comes a time when you stop being invited to events. There also comes a time when you need to move on within yourself.

I worked this morning (not that I necessarily call Sunday’s client, work at all). I came home for a shower, put the dress on I had been wanting to wear, felt overdone, and changed, resulting in feeling boganesque. I wasn’t going to win by changing outfits continually, so I stayed dressed this way, resisting the urge to wear yoga pants, cons and an oversized cardigan.

The anxiety became stronger. I started to experience heart palpitations and nausea. I questioned why I committed. At this point, I stopped, took some deep breaths, and acknowledged that I loved these people. That’s why I committed. Because I’m grateful I was invited and because I want to be part of these children’s lives because I want to be part of their parents’ lives.

These are my people, and I’ve been very absent for a very long time. IVF altered me and made me not me for a long time and I lost a lot. I didn’t know how to come back and I don’t want to lose these people.

I cried on the drive in. Thirty minutes of increasingly feeling worse. I willed myself to stop crying and to stop shaking. I tapped whilst I drove.

Even though I’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable, I completely love and accept myself.

Then, I forced myself to fake smile and visualised talking to people and feeling safe, confident, unimpacted. I debated calling ahead, asking to be met outside, asking to not go in and giving the gifts and apologies and running away. I debated turning around and going home. I debated pulling my head in and just going.

I arrived, took some deep breaths, grabbed the gifts, and walked to the door. I hugged the Mum to be and thanked her for the invitation. I spoke to my mum to be sister and burdened her for a while, then went outside to relieve her of my angsty self. I started to breathe evenly and calm myself. I spoke to people. I interacted. I think I did okay.

I left to see members of the birth family.

I drove home. I cried most of the way. I felt ridiculous. Then I spoke to myself and loved myself like I would others in this position, and I owned my grief.

It is okay to still feel this way. It is okay to hurt. There is no time limit. There is no pressure. This was the time. This was the place. This is the beginning of a new phase. I had to grieve and cry out this residual from my old phase.

It is okay. I am okay.

Whilst I had been in the shower, I had had an epiphany or realisation for why Baby Showers are such a struggle. I share this in case one day you, or a friend, or family member, go through something similar.

Baby Showers are a celebration of motherhood. And it is important to celebrate this journey.

As a middle aged woman who has failed in this society to bear children, for me, this celebration is hard. For me, it highlights my inability to conceive and carry, and it highlights that I don’t live a normal life, have never been normal, and probably won’t ever be normal.

As a middle aged woman without children, you don’t tend to fit so easily into this world. You can carve out your spot, but you don’t belong to the motherhood tribe. You can’t talk about your kids or share wisdom about raising children, with others. Often, the first question you are asked is if you have kids. Or you aren’t asked, and people assume. After all, you look old enough now to be a mother, so you must be.

I don’t think we realise how much the expectation of women is to mother. Until you can’t. And then it becomes very clear. And I think the expectation marginalises those of us that cannot fulfill the expectation. Especially those of us who try and fail.

I dunno. I’m writing about childhood trauma. If I hadn’t miscarried in 2013, my baby would be turning four next week. Maybe that’s why Baby Showers are hard. Maybe, but not likely. Meh.

A Crisis In Identity

Who am I? It was destined to happen. You leave a job you have been doing for over twenty five years; a job where you encounter so many people that it obviously becomes a major stakeholder in your identity, that when you leave it, the question needs to be asked. Who am I? I’m not sure. I’m in transition. Well, I do know what makes me happy, I know what my values are, I know who my family and extended family is, I just don’t know what I will end up doing. So, I do know who I am. I just don’t know where I am going. My life is open. I am a small business owner. I am a healer, holding space and empowering others. I am a mentor. I am a private tutor. I am a witch. I am an alien. I am a soul who has incarnated many, many times. I am left wing, mostly. I am an animal lover. I am a hard worker, not necessarily smart worker. I am compassionate, empathetic, happy, satisfied, loyal. I am many things. But, I don’t know what else I will be. I’ve talked sense to myself now. I’m trusting this process of transition. I know I want to make a huge difference in this world. I know that I need to be cognisant of the signs as they come. I know I will be fine. My identity is not what I do; it is who I am in what I do and outside what I do. I stand firm. I know who I am.

A Crisis In Identity

Who am I? It was destined to happen. You leave a job you have been doing for over twenty five years; a job where you encounter so many people that it obviously becomes a major stakeholder in your identity, that when you leave it, the question needs to be asked. Who am I? I’m not sure. I’m in transition. Well, I do know what makes me happy, I know what my values are, I know who my family and extended family is, I just don’t know what I will end up doing. So, I do know who I am. I just don’t know where I am going. My life is open. I am a small business owner. I am a healer, holding space and empowering others. I am a mentor. I am a private tutor. I am a witch. I am an alien. I am a soul who has incarnated many, many times. I am left wing, mostly. I am an animal lover. I am a hard worker, not necessarily smart worker. I am compassionate, empathetic, happy, satisfied, loyal. I am many things. But, I don’t know what else I will be. I’ve talked sense to myself now. I’m trusting this process of transition. I know I want to make a huge difference in this world. I know that I need to be cognisant of the signs as they come. I know I will be fine. My identity is not what I do; it is who I am in what I do and outside what I do. I stand firm. I know who I am.

Settling Dust

I am exhausted. Yesterday, I struggled to move. I had been telling myself, with very full days, that I just had to get to Wednesday. Hehe. I needed to give myself more days I think. I’ve woken up today, still feeling like I’ve been hit repeatedly by a bus. So, I dyed my hair – long overdue and the dark roots always look oily against blonde once you hit a certain point. A point I probably hit three weeks ago. I feel refreshed. And peacefully happy. I knew my lump was benign. I have been referred to a breast specialist for further confirmation. I’m not sure I’ll be making that appointment. I have believed that the fibroadenoma emerged because I had lessons to learn. I tend to put my needs last most of the time. I need to stop doing that and put my needs first. I am becoming more mindful of and to this. If I can’t do something, I express it. First steps, but big steps towards changing life long patterns that directly correlate to my perception of my own worth. I have been reading a book that looks at the emotional causes of illness. Similar to Louise Hay, but more in depth and significantly more confronting. It’s called The Secret Language of your Body and is written by Inna Segal. Breast lumps suggest that I have been holding on to past hurts and regrets, and am feeling unfulfilled, difficulty asking for help, not saying no, and a lack of nurturing and comfort. Hehehe. An uncomfortable read. Looking at other aspects of my dis-ease, like my weight, doesn’t get any easier. It has empowered me to start knowing what to heal specifically. Time to rid my body of outdated attitudes and beliefs. Time to own my beauty and amazingness.