Who’d Have Thunk It đŸ˜œ

I’ve just completed my first webinar course. I enjoyed it. Like, really enjoyed it. And I think I’m ready to start writing an online course. My writing to heal course but online. 

Overwhelmed a little but immensely excited. I am thinking of doing her Courses That Convert course to actually write it. I need to make some adjustments but I think I can make it work. 

Anyone that has known me for a long time knows that technology is not my strong suit nor a direction I ever really wanted my life to go in. And here I am anyway.

Never say never, Tina. 

Aaaaand no I won’t be signing up for her course. It costs $997. Oh my. I think I’ll take the longer road and work it out for myself. It can’t be that hard (famous last words). My course won’t be that much. 

What a revolutionary world. 

A Return 

On Wednesday something shifted in me. It’s like I gave myself permission to start to feel alright. It was my first day back at work after five days away, I caught up with a good friend for dinner, and I felt myself release something. 

It continued on Thursday, and even though it was a feral day with only two of the five of us in at work, I felt an inner calm within me, and I smiled heartily for most of the day. I went dress shopping after school and whilst I didn’t buy anything, I ran into several people I haven’t seen in a very long time, and my heart continued to smile. An impossible yoga class that night stretched out a few kinks. 

On Friday, for the most part, I continued to feel really good. Something in me has shifted. 

A situation that has been plaguing me for six months looks like it might be coming to an end but it’s more than that. I think that I have started to understand the lessons that were intended from that very dark situation. 

The situation has forced me to be more empowered. I think it has forced me to start to say no and to believe that I am worth much more than I have behaved. It’s like I have started to realise my own power and my own worth, at the same time. 

And, as a result, I’m not tolerating the things that people say and do, that minimise me, any more. I’m fighting for me. It’s not to say other people aren’t worth as much, they obviously are, but I’ve never thought I was worth very much, even though I knew I was, if that makes sense. I could try to explain that but I think you’ll get it if you’ve been there, are there, or think you might be there. 

I’ve also realised that I have started to accept more responsibility for fixing/controlling/resolving this. 

I feel light. Hopeful. Blissfully content. Exceptionally grateful. Not for the entirety of the catalyst that brought me here; it’s still too fresh, too raw, but for the experience in principle. 

And I’m stepping out of my comfort zone more. 

Yesterday I ventured into Sydney to catch up with some of the girls I went to school with. I was nervous. It has been twenty eight years since I saw some of the girls. And some of them were there in my life during my darkest days as a child, and they provided refuge, light and safety. So I felt nervous. 

I broke contact when I started uni hours away from home, and started to unravel all of the threads of my childhood. A new life was created and I left behind aspects of my old life. 

Yesterday though, after the nervous start, I felt a sense of wholeness descend to wrap me in its arms and take me home. What a wonderful experience. K and I didn’t get home until 9.30pm. We left just after 8. I could have stayed for hours more. These girls are home. My home. 

I arrived home on a high. I’m still in that wave of deep connection. And I’m so grateful. I feel whole and settled, for the first time in a long time. I see my life clearly. And I see the need to integrate the old with the beautiful people I have in my life now. 

My ability to commit to people was taught by the Hayes family, every single one of them through very diverse individual relationships. Since meeting them, especially from the lessons Karyn and I have learnt together, I became able to commit. To learn what it was, what it meant, and how it provides a stability. 

And throughout the years since meeting them I have enabled people to move freely in and out of my life as life wishes it. Without them losing me, or me losing them. And now, people from all periods of my life are present in my life. 

A very long time ago now another person who will always be dear to me passed around a sentiment about friendship and people that C echoed yesterday as we sat in the pub. People enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

I feel very blessed that within the last year, a lot of my seasons have reentered my life and reconnected with me, and I feel have become lifetime friends because they will always be in my heart first and foremost, but in some way present in my life. 

Today I wake up wholly happy, with a renewed lust for life, in all of its uncertainty and with all of its complications. And today, I start to say goodbye to the horrid last six months, and thank them for teaching me that life is short, I am valuable, and that I deserve the very best that life can give me. 

But I also know that I am the one that needs to make it happen through my choices and my action. Because I deserve it. 

So do you. 

❀

Forcing Necessary Change

Like most weekends, I have a monumental amount of work to do for work. I also have my study. What is different to most weekends this weekend, is that I am forcing some balance back. 

And it isn’t easy. 

But I haven’t been happy. I’ve had one illness after another, all minor but have rendered me useless for life. Close to three weeks over and beyond the last holidays I was sick. 

There had been no balance prior to that time which left me fatigued and stressed, resulting in an emotional break, forcing my body to evict months of stress. 

I am not sure who said it, but they were right: you can’t expect different results without changing what you’re doing. So, I am attending a High Tea in Sydney with girls I went to school with. Most I haven’t seen in twenty eight years. 

Yep. We are that old. We have lived that much life. And I’m a bit excited. I’m looking forward to the drive in with K. And I’m looking forward to seeing faces that helped raise me. I’m a little scared but only because … Well, because that’s who I am. 

Forcing the change. If I want balance I have to get used to things not being done immediately and possibly, eeeek, not being the perfectionist I always strive to be in matters related to work and study. 

This will be interesting …

Wish me luck đŸ™đŸ»

Today

Today, on my drive home, I noticed that the days are getting longer. Shades of pink rested on the horizon embraced by shades of blue. Mystical. Traffic was too dense to stop and take a photo. But I felt my energy shift and my heart smiled. 

Spring is coming. 

And it brings warmth, light and hope. 

And after the darkest winter of my life, I am excited. 

Longer days. More light to live by. More time to breathe deeply. 

Yes, the days are becoming longer. 

I smile. 

Email Inboxes 

Going through a bit of a tumultuous transition at the moment – interesting impact on my sense of self. Well, that probably isn’t correct – me working out how to be me in a system that works against my core beliefs is probably more accurate. 

Anyway, have been feeling burdened by tasks not completed, choices not embraced, etcetera etcetera. So, yesterday and today I have spent some time, in bursts, cleaning and sorting my various email inboxes. 

Therapy to the max. 

If you feel you have little to no control, do yourself a favour, clean and sort your emails. 

Wow! 

Transition Time

As you all know, I’m a firm believer in signs. The signs in my life point towards a different path for me. As you all also know, I’m a bit of a chicken lol. 

I’m spending my weekend plotting my future. When I was younger, I would just jump and have faith. These days, I have the faith that I will be okay but am scared to jump. 

The big decision focuses on next year, and whether I request to become part time or take leave without pay and apply to schools for casual work. 

I do know that I yearn for a different quality of life. I want some control over the hours that I work. I need to have time when I am not tired or working to catch up with friends and family, and to have a healthier work life balance. 

My first assignment in my Masters in Holistic Counseling focuses on the role of cells in our health. Ultimately, stress in the environment impacts our health significantly. Teaching today, for me, is frenetic and as a result, stressful. Add to that parent complaints and growing accountability with regards to admin duties and it isn’t what I want my life to look like. 

I need to, and have, given myself permission to live a peaceful and quietly successful life, still empowering others to be their best selves living their best lives, but not the way I have been.

And that is okay. 

I trust that all will be okay. 

What is normal? 

Offspring is one of my favourite shows and nothing can break my heart so easily. Tonight has raised a grief so deep that I am surprised by its depth. 

I’m going through something, some type of transition in my life, that will completely turn my world upside down. I’m okay with that. But it would appear that a part of it includes grieving over my childlessness that little bit more. 

And man, that’s hard. 

I am okay with my life without children. I’ve created something, or am creating something, separate to that. 

But a deep part of me cannot let go of the sadness that sings inside my soul every time someone falls pregnant, or gives birth, or celebrates their children. 

These are things I will never have, never know. When I die, that is it. There will be no child to mourn my passing or to carry my line. As I age, there will be no one to put me in a home, or to share their home with me. I don’t have, and won’t have, the magical Christmases with excited kids rushing to the tree after Santa has been. I won’t coach their soccer team. Or go to boring school presentations, assemblies, performances. 

I am it. That is all there is. 

And tonight the grief has taken over. Another thing I couldn’t control. Another reminder I don’t belong. I’m not normal. And I won’t ever be. 

Grave Concerns 

The notion of democracy is really being challenged in the UK, Australia and the US in recent days. Such insanity. 

Donald Trump supporters proudly walking the streets with massive weapons strapped to their bodies. Yes, it is their constitutional right to do so, but what sort of idiot would show so little sensitivity and compassion to the context in their own country at the moment and do so. It achieves nothing. 

In Australia, we have politicians, democratically elected, preaching hate and inciting hate against others. And justifying their right to be ignorant because we live in a democracy. 

And then, there’s Brexit. 

Yes, in a democracy we have certain rights. Predominantly, voting in our elected officials. 

To be a responsible citizen though, surely we also have the responsibility to be informed and to educate ourselves, and as an elected representative, surely this responsibility is even more important. 

We have the right to express opinions, but for fuck’s sake make sure they are informed and not coming from fear, ignorance or hate. 

And yes, in the US, unbelievably and unconscionably, citizens have the right to carry arms, but engage your brain and think about others before you exercise that right. Show some responsible and compassionate thinking first. 

What a disgrace this world has become. 

What a horrible place we are leaving for future generations.

Individuals, organisations, governments, so selfish that the aim has become, solely personal gain. 

What a travesty! And where the fuck are our superheroes? 

Apologies for the language but this is my blog and I am frustrated with this world and our collective apathy to do and to be right. 

I blame George Orwell. 

The Journey of Surviving Childhood 

I had a horrible but illuminating dream between getting up to to go to the loo at 6am this morning and re-awakening at 8.30. Horrible. When I woke up I felt shattered and just stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. 

And then I started to unpack the entirety of it. 

And then I had an epiphany. 

Emotionally and spiritually I am healthy and happy. I post this because I think many can gain from my experiences of processing and understanding the entirety of my life in its context; that is one of the two main reasons I blog. The other is to just purge (better out than in). 

I came from a very dysfunctional childhood. I witnessed violence, was on the receiving end of adult dysfunction aka violence, and was left vulnerable as the oldest child doing everything I could to protect my sisters. I lived, always, in high stress fight or flight. I didn’t know peace or calm. Happiness and fun could be extinguished as quickly as a candle’s flame. 

But I survived. My adult life has been a series of cycles moving towards becoming whole. It has been hard work, and it continues to be. But, I am happy and for the most part, I am living the life I choose to live. I have taken control of my life. 

Control. An interesting word. 

As a child, I had no control. No child does. We are at the behest of the adults charged with our welfare and development. If they are lacking, we try to assimilate into the less than healthy conditions for growth and our aim becomes survival. Often, we sacrifice, as children, our sense of our own value. This impacts the choices we make as adults. 

But, after healing, it doesn’t have to control them. Healing though, appears to be a lifelong process and practice. Maybe it is quicker with external counselling rather than doing it on your own. I can’t know that. 

This thing that I am not allowed to talk about, has put me back into the role of Tina the Abused Child. This was my epiphany this morning. It is why I am not coping as well the longer the situation remains unresolved. 

The way that I have been instructed to deal with all of it goes against my survival instinct of dealing with it, resolving it, fixing it, owning it and moving forward unencumbered. The control to survive has been arrested. I am being abused all over again. 

And as an adult who has taken the better part of forty years to realise her own worth, this situation is contraintuitive to what I know. I have been marginalised, made to feel the shame that a child who has experienced childhood sexual abuse feels. Again. 

Not allowed to talk about what has happened. Being tightly controlled by a system of oppression. Not able to express the injustice, the suffering, feeling guilt all of the time, for something that I had no control over. Yes, back into the psyche of child Tina. The psyche I have worked so hard to grow through. 

How disgraceful. 

The epiphany this morning, the acknowledgement of the shame and the guilt, has empowered me. 

Now, irrespective of the cost, my path is clear. I know what I need to do. 

I do love teaching. But it does not define who I am; I am significantly more than a cog in the public education machine. And as Martin Luther King Jr, one of my heroes, says, our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. 


Little Gems

“When you feel inside yourself that it’s time to let something go, then it’s time to let it go,” Oprah on Dr Phil. 

What I miss most about Oprah’s talk show is the little life gems that would often come through. 

I remember watching her final show and realising the extent of the impact that her 25 years in television had actually made on me. I had been watching her since I was a teenager. Not obsessively like I did as an adult (I never do anything by halves, unfortunately) but through my dark times she was always there. I learned how to heal through Oprah; her authenticity and her compassion. 

She is one of my heroes. I respect her immensely. Rightly or wrongly. 

And today I woke up, after spending yesterday praying that my migraine would disappear, wishing someone would come along and hit me in the head repeatedly with a baseball bat. After hours of writhing in pain, I got out of bed and vomited repeatedly, crying the whole time. This is not my normal migraine time. I lay under covers on the lounge, eight mersyndol in five and a half hours not achieving as much as I’d hoped but enough that I can watch tv and the tears have stopped. 

And there is Oprah on Dr Phil after a hot shower that loosened my neck and back muscles. And allowed me to focus on why I have spent the entirety of my holidays exhausted and sick. 

I broke down in the last week of school. I was defeated and utterly shattered. Something happened about five months ago that legally I am not allowed to speak about or act on. Anyone that knows me, in life or through here, knows that I don’t cope well with binds and shackles. I find the act dishonest and it works against my core beliefs. And that is why I am exhausted and sick. Continually. 

At any rate one of the first gems came fifteen minutes in to the show, after the social niceties. It’s what opened this post. 

And it’s true. So I cried when I heard it. And it came from Oprah. And so I must listen. 

Change requires courage. 

A friend of mine is packing up her life to live her dream. I’m buoyed by that. It requires courage to do that. 

I’m on a two yearnings of moving forward and creating a happier life for myself. This is my resolution to that. My body is telling me it is time, my heart feels it too, now I will find the courage to embody the change. 

Thanks Oprah, again.